I have to be up front and tell you that this is purely speculative. I’m sure you came here expecting some bombshell deleted scene from the new Borat moviefilm. But alas, all I have for you is one simple piece of conjecture upon which I am basing my argument that Chelsea Clinton is bad at B-jobs.

No thanks.

Using a condom while slurping the serpent is a lose-lose proposition. It won’t be pleasurable for either party, and it will not prevent an unwanted pregnancy, ya dummy. Sure, it may protect you from needing a lifetime supply of Valtrex for those new mouth bumps you pray are just common cold sores, but you’re probably better off just throwing out a handy if that’s a concern for you.

Just to play devil’s advocate, I guess an advantage might be that it could prevent an errant stream of spunk from staining your blue dress. But perhaps this advice is really only good for one specific person.

Ok, ok, I know that Chelsea is trying to humorously make a grander point about staying safe during our current circumstances. And to that end, she absolutely bodies this latest troll, who is probably WAYYYY more experienced in the Tug ‘n Chug department. Bitch came in expecting to lay a hurtful chirp, and homegirl turns it into a 61k liked social message. It backfired so hard she deleted the original tweet. Not because she no longer wished for Chelsea to polish the pole, but rather because she got ratioed to hell. Oops.

This little sTrumpet thought she could knock down Chelsea MOTHERFUCKING Clinton by telling her to “suck a dick.” When will they learn? Chelsea don’t stoop.

While it’s unfortunate that Chelsea’s husband, Marc, had to sacrifice his man cave in order to stockpile a lifetime supply of Magnum XLs, I feel no sorrow for the haggard haters that come for Chelsea’s blood. If you come at the king, you best not miss.