October slammed into our lives with all the grace and sophistication of an unsolicited dick pic. That’s right, October is practically over, which means that this year is somehow the fastest and slowest moving year of all time. When they ask you about 2020 in the future, make sure and stress the fact that it was so awful, it essentially bent the fabric of both time and space, like a fart ripping through a musty old pair of discount leggings.
Maybe we’ll trick or treat, or maybe we’ll stay at home dry humping a bottle of hand-san, because honestly this month is just like any other in the sense that we have no fucking clue what is going on and are half wanting it to all end and half wanting to prop up society by staying in a blanket and watching Netflix until we can’t see straight. Much like Schrodinger’s Cat, we’re simultaneously alive and dead, and for fuck’s sake you best not be looking in the damn box if you aren’t freshly showered, masked, and bearing good news about the upcoming election.
However, just like all things change, some shit stays the same- which is good news if you’re looking for a laugh as you stare into the gaping butthole of impending doom that we call the future. Kids continue to be kids, and parents continue to roast the shit out of them for it on Twitter, just like the good lord intended.
15 Hilarious Tweets From Parents in October
1. There is nothing saltier and more delectable than nut snack.
My favorite toddler memory is when my daughter called her trail mix “nut snack”. I can still see the stunned faces of friends and family when she’d casually say things like, “I love eating nut snack,” or “mommy, taste my nut snack!”
— Rhyming Monster (@sarabellab123) October 22, 2020
2. Let’s be real, this is the kind of education we all could have used in THESE UNPRECEDENTED TIMES.
If schools in my area go all virtual, I’m just releasing my kids into the wild to be raised by wolves or whatever finds them.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) October 26, 2020
3. Ughhhhhh… RIP!
The Halloween decorations in my yard are all tombstones with plans I had for 2020 written on them.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 5, 2020
4. SHOW. ME. THE. LIE.
— Roy🌾 (@Roy_oh_Roy) October 29, 2020
5. This wins 2020.
Like, you have to laugh that I just got divorced in front of a judge, my attorney, and my ex without pants on. pic.twitter.com/PfBp5ye5ZX
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) October 7, 2020
6. Let’s all pour a lil’ hand sanitizer out for the homies.
Kids born now will be called quaranteens in 2033.
I’m so sorry
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) October 28, 2020
7. I mean really, is it too much to ask??
As a mom, I don't ask for much. I just want someone else to come up with a meal plan for me, shop for the food, prep the ingredients, and clean up the dishes afterward.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 5, 2020
8. Ever read something so fucking real it actually hurts?
Fall is great because I enjoy watching the sunset at 11 AM.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 27, 2020
9. I know what they look like thanks, they’re chewing in my ear as we speak.
No thanks, school picture day 2020. My kids' faces from this year have already been burned into my brain forever.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 7, 2020
10. TAKE THAT big guy in the sky!
Using a leaf blower on a windy day is the ultimate dad flex because you’re basically telling God He’s doing it wrong.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) October 26, 2020
11. Wow, perhaps I should reconsider my position as it was clearly OVERLY GENEROUS.
Me: I’ve decided not to be mad today.
Husband: Oh thank god.
Me: What’s that supposed to mean?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 28, 2020
12. Next time cut the fluff, Jeeze.
me: we're going to go up an escalator! can you say 'escalator'?
me: a simple 'no' is fine
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 27, 2020
13. WATCH ME BRO.
I’ll change a tire in front of another man’s wife and kids idgaf, that’s my family now
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) October 23, 2020
14. Ok but raise your hand if you haven’t done this, though.
My wife was eating fries tonight and dropped ketchup on the newborn’s head. She then dipped another fry in the ketchup on his forehead and continued on. Warrior.
— Chef Andrew Gruel (@ChefGruel) October 27, 2020
15. You can gain that year back when you get a fake ID, pal.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 10, 2020