By Jessica Keith
Interested in joining a pod? Here are some questions hipsters with children need to prepare for, if they want to be considered for a nomadic, vegan, altruistic, Montessori- esque co-op:
1. Are you capable of leading 12 children in daily activities, outside, six feet apart, dressed in burlap hazmat suits, while keeping them from sucking on their masks?
2. Have you driven through a genetically modified fast-food establishment, in lieu of making a meal from scratch regardless of your children’s interest in eating it, followed by making another meal that they still wouldn’t be interested in, merely to avoid washing every dish you used?
3. Is there any reason why you may have left your house in the last five months to do any of the following: buy groceries or get gas?
4. In case of rain, will the UV lights installed inside your house to disinfect the air be running off solar power panels?
5. Under your supervision, are you capable of engaging the children in cooperative play outside, wearing masks, using homemade hand sanitizer every hour, while keeping the children from eating homemade mud pies topped with all the rollie pollies they could find?
6. Do you eat bacon?
7. Is the coffee you drink from a locally sourced, non GMO, of original origin, with a splash of organic oat milk served in a mug made from repurposed clay left over from your children’s art project.
8. Does your job allow you to work from 4 am- 8 am and 4 pm- 8 p.m. in order to run a homeschool during work hours?
9. Would teaching a pod during traditional business hours impact your employment status?
10. Do you have a spouse, partner, significant other, or access to another human being that is willing to bathe, feed, entertain, and keep your children from injuring themselves, between the hours of 4 am and 8 am as well as 4 pm and 8 pm (your newly adjusted work hours), who is interested in an open relationship?
About the Author
Jessica Keith is a professional lecturer at San Diego State University and an unprofessional lecturer as the mother of three littles (ages 2, 6, and 8). When she is not nagging her own tiny humans, she is getting paid to nag other people’s children in the classroom teaching Cultural Adaptation.