9 out of 10 Kids Agree: Any Drink with the Word ‘Unicorn’ Is the Best Thing to Ever Happen

By Kaycee Jemp of Running Through Water

If you haven’t run out to buy a drink for your kids with the word “unicorn” in it, then you are on the tail end of all we hold dear as a society, and clearly a failure as a parent.

We stopped to talk with 10-year-old Ainsely Jones, caught sipping this magical formula outside of a local coffee house before school. “I don’t know how ANYONE wouldn’t want to be seen with one of these!” she chirped enthusiastically. “Even my MOM is drinking one because I totally made her!”

Mrs. Jones waved our reporters away as she wiped away a purple mustache, exclaiming, “Don’t look at me!” and was not available for questions.

“It has only been around for a week,” says Dr. John Tuthurty DDS, “and business has never been better, but here are a few things consumers should know…”

  1. If you choose to drink this ‘magical elixir,’ know that you will not only grow angel wings and a horn, but also dental caries—which are magical and don’t let anyone tell you anything else.
  2. Anything blue in color, when consumed, works much like gel-based toothpaste. Consume as much blue in your diet as possible. It is absorbed into your bloodstream. And you can Google that because it is totally, totally true.
  3. His office is open during regular business hours and has a 24-hour hotline to answer any unicorn-pain-related questions and is willing to check your insurance eligibility day or night. He also takes cash and personal checks.

While these magical horse drinks carry the same amount of carbohydrates as three Snickers candy bars, endocrinologist Dr. Beau Timingout says there is nothing consumers of this beverage should worry about.

“It is gorgeous! It is the thing of childhood whimsy!” Dr. Timingout tells reporters as he twirls his mustache and laughs maniacally. “Enjoy with abandon!”

Unicorn coffee drinks are only available for a limited time. If you care about your dental health and long-term medical health, don’t be a loser; get one today.


About the Author

Kaycee Jemp is the alter ego to a much more responsible, respectable and professional writer who you can find over at until she can come up with something more clever.