You guys, I cannot handle the fashion industry anymore. It seriously feels like they have given away every last care they had and are throwing literal shit at a wall to see who the suckers are among us willing to fork over the cash.
Up until this point, however, the designers seemed hellbent on ruining women’s lives specifically. From clear plastic jeans to labia-laden lockets, we gals have been having one helluva time coming up with something appropriate to wear to that office party.
WELL, FRET NO MORE, LADIES, BECAUSE NOW THE FASHION INDUSTRY IS TARGETING THE MENFOLK. Finally.
I present you with Nordstrom’s $425 pair of Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans, also known as “Fuck, I forgot to throw these in the wash. Honey, you think anyone will notice?” Straight Leg Jeans (yes, that is 425 American dollars, not doll hairs, but it comes with free shipping, guys, so it’s TOTALLY worth it).
According to the product description, these “heavily distressed medium-blue denim jeans in a comfortable straight-leg fit embody rugged, Americana workwear that’s seen some hard-working action with a crackled, caked-on muddy coating that shows you’re not afraid to get down and dirty.”
Of course. Because every rugged, outdoorsy, hard-working man’s man I know typically lights 4.25 Benjamins on fire right before having his buddies help him strategically smear dirt on his pants so it looks like he actually did something productive today.
I’m not even going to get into what I think of the kind of person who would spend one month’s car payment to look “rugged” instead of going out into the backyard and rolling around in the mud or — and here’s a novel idea — doing some actual work and shit.
If you’re not the kind of person who already owns “Americana workwear” that you’ve distressed yourself, you don’t get to drop a dime to look like you’ve done the time. Sorry.
I can’t wait to see what they come up with next for the fellas:
- Built-In Boner Britches?
- Ring Around the Collar Makes You Holla Button Downs?
- Graphic Tees with Pre-Packaged Pit Stains?
- Gettin’ Dirty Distressed Socks (with holes that match your unique snaggle toe)?
- Plumber Pete’s Buttcrack-Peep Pantaloons?
- Sexy Faux Skidmark Skivvies?
Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be awful.
Special thanks to Nikki Morris of Funny For a Girl for contributing to this post.