Aging is not for the faint of heart. One day you’re young and fresh and staying up until sunbreak, and the next you’re planning your day around bathroom breaks and saying things like “that’s a reasonable price.”
However, getting older is one of life’s constants; you can fight it if you want, but you will get nowhere. Mostly because you’re old, and fighting makes you gassy and flares up your joints. Whomp whomp!
I personally remember being young and thinking that I would never get old. I thought 30 years old was about as old as a person could get. All of the sudden I’m 35, on the prowl for sensible shoes and getting excited about home composting systems.
Despite our hangups about aging, there are some good things. The older you get, the fewer fucks you have to give to ridiculous shit. I mean, really, you need to save that energy you used to spend on drama or chasing your dreams for if you find a really good sale, or see an old friend at the grocery store and want to enthusiastically tell her about how far you’ve gotten on yardwork. #goals.
Getting older is hilarious because you can see and feel it happening, and yet it seems to sneak up on you all the same. The backaches, the shifts in priorities and the appreciation for bargains and other mundane things will simultaneously make you want to laugh and cry. And that’s pretty much aging in a nutshell.
So Sit Back, Relax, and Check Out These 24 Hilarious Tweets About Just How Damn Old You Are!
1. Old enough to appreciate good home decor
I'm "Ooh, I like Larry King's area rug" years old.
— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) April 28, 2019
2. Old enough to let things go
I'm getting too old to remember my grudges. I'll have to find new ones.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) January 23, 2019
3. Old enough to count chins, instead of years lived
Another year older, another candle on the cake, and oh! Look!
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) January 21, 2019
4. Old enough to pencil in a date with a cheeseburger
I'm "planning my life around heartburn episodes" years old
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) June 6, 2018
5. Old enough to have wrinkles every-damn-where
I used to think lip gloss was for making my lips shiny.
Now I know it's for trying to keep lipstick from settling in old lady lip cracks.
— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) June 16, 2016
6. Old enough that the rest of the world can just keep their mouths shut
Me: How old do I look? Be honest.
Husband: *lights himself on fire*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 22, 2018
7. Old enough to be forgiving
Only three people on my shitlist today. Old age really slows you down.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) July 6, 2016
8. Old enough to be an unpredictable date
I'm dinner, OR a movie, OR sex years old.
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) April 2, 2017
9. Old enough to make decisions on behalf of the tribe
I'm probably old enough to be a village elder now.
— Jules (@SaltyCorpse) November 24, 2018
10. Old enough to be in tune with your physical self
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You're old. And you want ice cream.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 30, 2018
11. Old enough to skip the party and go straight to the regret
I'm "I didn't even drink last night and still feel like I have a hangover" years old.
— Mama Babbles… (@mama_babble) July 6, 2018
12. Old enough to be wise, if not limber
I'm "people are chugging cough syrup with their buttholes and I can't even touch my toes" years old.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 12, 2016
13. Old enough to get it right… eventually
I'm at the age where I lather, rinse & repeat mainly because I can't remember if I did it the first time.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 30, 2018
14. Old enough to be a lone wolf
Is 37 too old for me to have a crew?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 25, 2015
15. Old enough to always be prepared
Oh crap I’m out of house Advil & have to break into my car Advil stash
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) December 25, 2017
16. Old enough that you should have written a list
I'm young, but not "know exactly why I came into this room" young.
— Marl (@Marlebean) June 14, 2013
17. Old enough to see (and feel) the truth
Playing Twister with your kids is a great way to feel young at heart, but old on every other part of your body.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) April 12, 2017
18. Old enough to have more pressing concerns
My favorite part of being old is not giving one single fuck about Drake
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) July 5, 2018
19. Old enough that it shows
Me: Time to wake up!
5: You got some lines on your face.
Me: It's from the pillow.
5: OR it might be because you're old.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 9, 2017
20. Old enough that you just can’t be bothered
I'm "I'd just rather buy new" years old
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) August 21, 2018
21. Old enough to tetris the fuck outta that chicken tetrazzini
I'm "I get excited when leftovers fit perfectly in the Tupperware container I picked out" years old.
— Mama Babbles… (@mama_babble) June 16, 2017
22. Old enough that the kids won
I've reached that age where I keep my kids active to tire them out but it just winds them up and I'm the one who gets tired, apparently.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 26, 2016
23. Old enough that you’re key ring is 28 lbs like some kind of medieval jailer
You can tell how old a grownup is by how many points cards they have on their key ring. There's a new one each year after turning 30.
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) March 6, 2018
24. Old enough to secure a loan at an absolutely bananas interest rate, fam
"OH SNAP, BUT MY CREDIT SCORE IS SO ON FLEEK."
I shout at the teens who called me old.
— Marl (@Marlebean) February 6, 2015
Got some old friends that could use a laugh? Share this shit and look 10 years younger!