Whenever you see a list of essentials for people about to have a baby, they are missing probably the most important thing. CAFFEINE.
Sure, diapers and bottles are cute, but how can you even function enough to keep your precious bundle thriving if you don’t have coffee?
As a parent, coffee becomes like the air we breathe, or the purpose in our hearts. Coffee becomes a blessing and a curse. We know too much is harmful, but good Lord, how can we even live 5 minutes without it?
What we need science to work on is an adult umbilical cord that can pump the sweet brown nectar into our tired, worn-out systems without interruption, so that hopefully, one day, we begin to feel whole.
There’s a reason for the prevalence of “coffee mom culture.” We’re tired. So tired. And coffee is really the strongest thing we have to help get us through the day that isn’t breaking any laws. Sure, caffeine is a drug, but so is penicillin, and am I going to go out on a limb and trash-talk a lifesaver? NEVER.
The thing about coffee is that it’s not here to judge. It’s hot, aromatic bosom is always there to catch you after a long hard day, never judging or causing drama. It simply fills your cup, making you happy, functional, and ever so slightly jittery… what is this feeling? Could it be love?
If you’re addicted to coffee, just know you aren’t alone. If you’ve seen a parent, you’ve seen a person who is likely suckling at the teat of addiction to our kind and loving mother:The Almighty Caffeine.
Here’s what the funny (and tired) parents of Twitter had to say about our hopeless addiction to coffee!
Hilarious Tweets That Show How Much Parents Rely On Coffee
1. There is no math… only coffee
If you put your kids to bed an hour after their bedtime, and they wake up 2 hours earlier than usual, how many cups of coffee will it take to survive the day?
This is the kind of math they should be teaching in school.
— Erin De Boer (@erin_de_boer) April 6, 2019
2. DO YOUR PART, CAFFEINE
Dear coffee, we’ve been together for a long time now. And over the years, I’ve changed. I’ve grown. I need more from you now and it’s really time you step up your game. I want this to work out but I need you to work harder and be stronger. For me. For us.
— Celeste Yvonne (@andwhatamom) August 13, 2018
3. NEED IT NOW
Hold on, baby, mommy just needs to grab a bowl of coffee
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) January 7, 2018
4. It runs through my veins
My blood type is Peet's Coffee French roast.
— Kayci Villarreal (@VillarrealKayci) July 22, 2019
5. It’s a catch 22
I need the coffee to get the energy.
I need energy to make the coffee. pic.twitter.com/oCGWyNKXGb
— Heather M. Jones (@hmjoneswriter) June 24, 2019
6. Take a guess, hun
Husband: How'd the baby sleep last night?
Me: *pours ground coffee directly into mouth*
— Mother Haggard (@MotherHaggard) August 23, 2018
7. Name a more iconic sidekick
Calendar: It’s “thank your administrative assistant day”
* says a special thank you to my coffee maker and massive post-it note collection
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) April 25, 2018
8. A harrowing story of redemption
I’ve never been on a sinking ship waiting to be picked up by a rescue helicopter, but my kids have woken up early while I’m still waiting for the coffee maker to finish.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 23, 2019
9. Well, what’s the point in being annoyed if you can’t carry on for ages
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 17, 2019
10. Coffee problems require coffee solutions
Is this headache from too much coffee, or not enough? Only more coffee will tell.
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) February 7, 2018
11. OH YEAH
I drink so much coffee that a mosquito just bit me and flew through the wall like the Kool-Aid man.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 24, 2019
12. The essentials
A good chunk of my cardio comes from walking around my house looking for my phone and my coffee.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) September 6, 2018
13. Rude, but ok
Caffeine: because drinking wine at 9am makes you a "bad parent" or something
— tiffany hunter (@lifeattiffanys) February 15, 2017
14. LOL that’s cute
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) October 10, 2018
15. I’ll have what she’s having
I need 14 cups of coffee with a splash of pure adrenaline to get me through today.
— Sara Buckley (@nottheworstmom) July 30, 2019
16. There is no in-between
I have two modes:
1. Tired as hell
2. Jittery af
— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) May 27, 2018
17. It’s called life experience, sweetie
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 7, 2017
18. Truth hurts.
If a parent tells you they don't have a favorite they're lying. Coffee is their favorite.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 28, 2017
Sure, children are a blessing, but let’s not forget about the real miracle here! All hail coffee.
Got a friend who’s tired and could use a pick-me-up? Share this list with them, and have some LOLs with your lattes!