Kids are pure instinct. They haven’t yet been tamed by societal rules and expectations because they are young, carefree, and simply DGAF when it comes to social graces. This makes it so that they can be a little … strong-willed when it comes to getting what they want. You see, what a child wants can change with a moment’s notice, and what they want, they are willing to take – with force.
Kids are sweet, helpless little critters; however, they are also brutal, feisty little creatures. A child wouldn’t waste a second thought when it comes to kicking you in the privates, whether it was intentional or not. Kids will straight up injure you and laugh in your face after. Pure gangster shit.
Now, the fact that kids are so dreadfully uncoordinated physically means that not all of their violence is intentional. Some of it comes from a genuine place of having no awareness of personal space or boundaries. And if you co-sleep, then be prepared to explain a LOT of bruising. Picture a windmill, but the blades are your baby’s arms and legs as they ninja flip all through the night trying to make sure you are sufficiently beaten and sleep deprived to bend to their will.
And it’s not just their parents that get the brunt of it. If you have more than one child, then you are very familiar with the kind of child-on-child savagery that only seems to come from siblings. Say “so long” to any peace and quiet in your home.
But although kids can be brutally physical, we love them anyway. One day they will be boring, socialized members of the human race and we will long for the days when we could hold them close and act as their punching bags.
13 Funny Tweets That Show How Vicious Kids Can Be
1. Words matter
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) August 12, 2019
2. So fun
Cuddling with a 3yo is nice, if you like your cuddles with a side of violence.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) October 13, 2019
3. What’s a hug? Sounds very tame
Crossword: To put your arms around someone.
7 yo: choke!
Me: It’s 3 letters.
7 yo: Oh, okay. Hit.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 8, 2018
4. Never go against the family
Last night, my 3 year old kicked me during a tantrum. As I tucked him in bed later, he apologized. "I'll never kick you again," he said, pulling me in closer and kissing my cheek. "Just do exactly what I tell you to do and I'll never have to kick you again." My son is a mobster.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 4, 2019
5. You really need that wind-up for a super effective follow-through; it’s basic physics
What they don’t tell you is that a king bed just gives your kid more room to wind up before kicking you in the throat.
— Life at Tiffany’s (@lifeattiffanys) July 23, 2019
6. So magical
My child is wearing an inflatable crown and lashing me in the back with a foam sword, but congratulations on feeling your baby's first kick.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 28, 2016
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, and other lessons children need to take literally.
— Sara Says Stop Scaring Me (@PetrickSara) July 12, 2015
8. *Extreme Mortal Kombat voice* Finish him!
What I say: "Can you guys be quiet for a while so I can get some work done?"
What my kids hear: "FIGHT TO THE DEATH."
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) July 31, 2018
9. Who needs a masseuse when you have this kind of service
*Gets kicked in the back repeatedly by kid.*
“Can you kick a little higher? Yep, right there. This is nice.”
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 4, 2018
10. She has a point
[breaking up a fight]
Me: A tiara is NOT a weapon.
4-year-old: It is if you use it right.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 18, 2016
11. Anything can be a sword if you believe
How’s my day?
Well…it’s raining and my children are currently using hardcover books to sword fight, so…it’s going as expected.
— Sara Says Stop Scaring Me (@PetrickSara) September 15, 2019
12. Where there’s a will, there’s a way
What you say: Stop hitting your brother.
What the child hears: Kick your brother instead.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 14, 2019
13. No sorries for you
*inadvertently bumps into couch* oh sorry couch
*inadvertently bumps into door* oh sorry door
*inadvertently bumps into trashcan* oh sorry trash
*inadvertently drop kicks me in the groin* LOL
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 20, 2018
So if your kid is violent AF, there’s no need to worry
Sometimes it just be like that.
And by sometimes, I mean always. Here’s a Band-Aid.