By Mandi Em
On October 9th, a baffling letter was released between the POTUS and Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan. The letter was unusual based on its barely coherent grasp of the English language and its enthusiastically threatening tone. The letter was so strange that it has many people wondering if it was, in fact, real. It was, and this shouldn’t be that big of a surprise to us, based on these other bizarre letters leaked from the White House.
Letter to His Excellency, Sheev Palpatine (A.K.A. Darth Sidious)
Dear Emperor Palpatine,
Let’s work out a good deal! You don’t want to be responsible for another clone war and I don’t want to be responsible for you losing thousands of followers on Twitter. I already gave you a taste when I shared that meme of a cat beating you in a light saber battle.
I have worked hard to get into your little club of Sith lords. I am in many clubs that can vouch for my character. Don’t let me down. The world could use another Sith Lord like me. I’m already doing the hard work.
History will look upon you favorably if you allow me to enter your little club of galactic meanies. It will look upon you forever as a big pussy if you don’t. I assure you I am a very tough guy and definitely not a fool.
PS – I have a space force too, lol
Letter to His Royal McHighness, Ronald of Burgertown
Dear Ronald McDonald,
As you know I am a really big, very huge fan of the McRib. I insist that it get brought back immediately, and everyone would agree. Let’s work out a good deal! You don’t want to be responsible for the dissatisfaction of hungry people, and I don’t want to be responsible for the inevitable crash of your business if I give it a bad review on Twitter.
Don’t let the world down! I have worked hard on solving your problems regarding the year-round viability of serving the McRib. I have worked on this very carefully between holes at the golf course. This is very serious stuff and I want you to end up on the right side of history. Even the actual devil will think you are being a monster if you don’t bring back the McRib. Don’t be a fool!
I will call you later. I want to know what kind of shampoo you use to keep your ginger locks so vibrant. Very good stuff.
A Letter to the Oatmeal Overlords
Dear Aveeno Lotion,
Let’s work on a better formula. You don’t want to be responsible for my appearance as being similar to a discarded Timberland boot. I am a very public figure and my skin looks like a tangerine that was left to dry on a musty old counter.
I have worked hard to keep my meatsuit hydrated, and in your commercials Jennifer Aniston claimed you were the best. Fake news! I have been lathering your lotion all over my wrinkled husk for many weeks when I scurry into my evil lair for the night, and I still look like a chewed-up bit of demonic apricot jerky.
History will love you if you can make me appear a hydrated, approachable human and not like a carrot peel that was kicked under the stove for too long. Even tough guys should have not-so-tough, soft skin!