By Chloe Yelena Miller

Dear Kindergarten Moms (and some awesome dads who participate in emotional and actual labor):

I’m sending this email, Tweet, Instagram post & WhatsApp message exactly 100 minutes before the 100th day of school (assuming it doesn’t snow in the next 100 minutes). Please pack 100 of something for your child to share today.*

Everything you bring must be certified organic and made in America. Performance art, including 100 farts on command, don’t count for this assignment (you’re welcome, Charlotte’s mom.) No, you can’t “just use 100 stickers” (really, Jane’s Mom?).

Here are some options:

-100 #2 pencils (testing starts soon for both the kids and parents)

-100 gluten free, vegan, nut-free, lactose-free, sugar-free, but very flavorful individually packaged snacks

-100 letters

-100 words for the word “100” in 100 different languages (use Google translate for proper pronunciation)

-100 numbers (you choose which ones)

-100 notebooks with the school logo (your child should know to downplay the racist name)

-100 matching, hand-knit mittens using only the school colors. Include 100 labels with the children’s names (spelled correctly this time, Gene’s mom).

-100 Rice Krispies (brand name only)

-100 kindergarten-level-appropriate math problems whose answers are always “100”

-100 handmade-to-look-ancient abacuses with 100 beads on each

-100 Cheerio crumbs from your youngest’s car seat (again, no generic cereal)

-100 updated forms you can use to enter the school building to check Lost & Found

-100 frozen soap bubbles (challenge: do not use dry ice, regular ice or ice packs, even ice packs shaped like penguins)

-100 ants (in an appropriate habitat; this is our next science unit)

-100 dodge ball balls (yes, Lincoln’s mom, we “still” play “that” game; at least it’s not football, eh?)

-500 safety pins for the five kids whose moms will forget this assignment (you know who you are)

-100 easy, Pinterest-worthy snow day ideas for the next snow day when you lose yet another day of pay since you’ve used up your sick days

-100 days you can chaperone school trips every year for the next twelve years

-100 iPhones for the teachers (including extra chargers)

-100 affirming Tweets about me and the school (remember, we will count)

*PS: Ethan’s Mom – please don’t forget this time.

*****

About the Author

Chloe Yelena Miller is a writer based in Washington, D.C. She teaches writing at the University of Maryland University College and Politics & Prose Bookstore in Washington, D.C., as well as privately. She blogs at chloeyelenamiller.com and tweets at @ChloeYMiller