Beauty/Fashion Humor News/Trending

Zales Is Selling a Penis-Shaped Safety Pin Pendant and Somehow Nobody Realized This Was a Bad Idea

If you’re stuck on a last-minute gift idea for that someone special, why not get her a diamond-encrusted, penis-shaped heart-shaped safety pin pendant that apparently nobody on the production team at Zales realized might be a bad idea? Even better? This one-of-a-kind critical error in judgment is on sale, down from its original $89 to the celebratory price of just $62.30 with FREE SHIPPING!

And lest you think this is a joke, rest assured — we wouldn’t lie to you about something this important. This sparkly, sterling silver penis pendant is 100% legit. Just check out the website if you’re feeling less than certain.

According to its description:

This sparkling diamond safety pin pendant is an on-trend look. Crafted in sterling silver and lined with diamonds, this open design features a heart-shaped top and circle spring bottom. Radiant with 1/20 ct. t.w. of diamonds and a brilliant buffed luster, this pendant suspends along an 18.0-inch rope chain and secures with a spring-ring clasp.

Because few things are as “on-trend” this year as dangling dicks, folks.

Zales shoppers have nothing but accolades for this sterling silver disaster. Just take a look at the reviews:

5 stars: BEAUTIFUL SHAPE! This is the perfect family jewel. I always wanted a sparkly piece around my neck. It’s beautiful and brings tears to my eyes.

5 stars: THE BEST NECKLACE EVER. My husband usually gives me a pearl necklace for Christmas but I asked him for this necklace this year and I have been so satisfied with this one that I don’t think I will be getting any more pearl necklaces.

5 stars: BEST LOOKING DIAMOND PENI. This is a dope looking peni. Knocked it out the park!

3 stars: GREAT ADDITION TO MY PINK RESISTANCE HAT. Quality is great but I wish it was bigger. I will wear this to the next protest march in January with my pink ovary hat.

5 stars: LOVE HOW BIG IT IS. The diamond heart at the top really accentuates the shaft of the safety pin’s most important feature – it’s round spring on the head.

I’ve got a lot of safety pins laying around my house, but I’ve never quite seen one like this. It doesn’t take a degree in design to know this “safety pin” is a penis, which is how I know Zales will be hiring a whole new team of jewelry creators in the new year (or at least they should seriously consider it).

In the meantime, if a $60 gag gift is your idea of a good time, or if there’s somebody in your life who simply can’t go on without a blinged-out boner this holiday season, get on it fast.

There’s no telling how long these things will last. (I’ve heard on average 30-60 seconds, but only when it’s really excited.)