New Consultant Firm Helps Men Profit from Sexual Assault Apologies

By Leslie Gaar of

An unorthodox consultant firm has popped up in the wake of the recent deluge of sexual misconduct allegations. Its purpose? To help famous men find creative ways to commodify their apologies.

“Look, these guys are doing a brave, courageous thing by apologizing,” says Hugh Jass, founder of Apol-O-Geez, Inc. “What’s the harm in them making a little money while they’re at it? Two birds, one stone.”

Apol-O-Geez’s most recent client was celebrity chef Mario Batali. The former cohost of The Chew is the latest in a seemingly endless stream of high-profile men accused of sexual harassment or assault.

The postscript of Batali’s apology, sent earlier this week in a newsletter to his subscribers, included a recipe for pizza dough cinnamon rolls.

“Mario’s case was a no-brainer: We crafted one of our standard non-apology apologies, making sure to leave out any references to the victims. That stuff’s a downer, you know what I mean? Then we threw in a recipe that would bring some traffic to his website, which means money towards Batali’s insatiable Croc addiction. Plus, broads love eating cinnamon rolls when they’re all worked up about something, so it was a slam dunk.”

While the service Apol-O-Geez provides is raising more than a few eyebrows, its founder defends the company. “Once these allegations come up, it’s usually curtains for these guys’ careers, so we have to get them making money in other ways. I see the work we do as a community service, really. We’re helping out some nice guys who might’ve made a mistake or two. What, do you want to ruin someone’s life for just normal guy behavior?”

Jass goes further, suggesting that other celebrities have missed the boat by not hiring his firm before issuing their own apologies.

“We tried for weeks to get Franken to announce his launch of a vanity eyewear line along with all the ‘I’m sorry’ crap, but he wasn’t game. Then there were the Charlie-Rose-brand afghan sweaters; an early-morning, four-hour, pay-per-view Matt Lauer apology special; and a greenhouse opening for Weinstein. They all passed. Hey, it’s their funeral, but opportunity doesn’t knock twice. Actually, I guess that’s usually not true in these cases.”

Love Hugh Jass or hate him, one thing seems to be certain: his client list won’t be shrinking anytime soon. And like all great businessmen, he has his eye on a certain ‘yuge’ client, should the day ever come.

“I’ve had the proposal written up for months now, whenever he needs it,” Jass says, with a sudden glimmer in his otherwise dead eyes. “Golden shower gel.”


About the Author

Leslie Gaar is a mom of three, former educator, current writer, and perpetual smart ass. Mostly the last one. She blogs at, and has been featured in The Washington Post, Scary Mommy, and Babble. Find her on FacebookTwitter, and Instagram.