It’s officially December, which means it’s time for my annual roast of this year’s Pottery Barn Kids Holiday catalog. Why? Because when you use words like “sateen” and “luxe faux fur” and spelle wourds with extra letteres or unnecessary diacritical ɱäřķş in descriptions to sound like a fancy bitch, you’re just asking for it imo. Last year, PBK was all sherpa-lined obnoxiousness. This year, well, it’s still sherping obnoxious, but they’ve somehow managed to turn it up a notch, and holy chamois-covered testicles is it funny.

I hope you have a change of underwear handy, because I fully intend on making tears run down your legs. Although, if you don’t, I’m sure PBK has some $100 plush and lace chonies for people who piss pure excellence.

LOVE YOU MOST

Love You Most Decorative Pillow: $29.50

Want to give the gift of passive-aggressiveness and a broken spirit to your children? Let your kids know who the favorite is by buying this pillow for just one of your offspring. Merry Christmas! Except for you, and you. Christmas is only merry for the kid who doesn’t wake me up at 4 in the morning. I’m looking at you, Preston Rockwall Huckstable III.

BLANKETS

Pom Blankets: $39.50 – $59.50

Why does my blanket need poms? Is it to stuff up my butt like a rectal chimney sweep? I don’t understand. Can I put one in my child’s mouth so they’ll stop coming down the stairs every ten minutes asking for a bedtime snacky poo and one of Mommy’s famous nervous breakdowns? There is no reason for this. None.

FAUX FUR DECORATIVE PILLOWS

Faux Fur Decorative Pillows: $49.50

Where the fuck is PETA? Surprise your child Christmas morning by slipping a couple of these pillows next to your child’s head in the middle of the night. The screams you’ll hear in the morning might be delight, but are probably terror, because wtf is wrong with you?

LOFT BED

Tree House Loft Bed: $1599

Let’s give our kids a $1600 reason to not go to fucking sleep at night as we stand at the bottom of the stairs, clutching the rail to ride out our rage while our kids giggle and scream at us for glasses of water. Sure, our ancestors died weathering the elements and suffering dysentery to find us a place to call home and erect shelters so we could get out of the cold, but by all means, spend well over a grand to “bring the outside in.” Like an asshole.

SWAN ROCKER  

Monique Lhuillier Swan Kid Rocker: $199

“Stop looking at me, swan.” Scar your child for life by having them break the neck of a stuffed swan just because you wanted to fill their room with overpriced whimsy. Never have I ever wanted to straddle a fucking swan as a child, and trust me, I was game for some wild shit. Not every animal is equipped to be mounted and heel-kicked in the ribs, Bob.

FEATHER PENDANT        

Feather Pendant: $169

After your child is finished ripping their swan rocker a new one, they can add the feathers to this overhead pendulum of death. This pendant looks like a floating graveyard for bird cadavers. Settle the fuck down, PBK, settle tf down.

FAUX FUR TREE GARLAND

Monique Lhuillier Faux-Fur Tree Garland: $24

Have yourself a very faux fur Christmas. If your home doesn’t look like a sheep shearer’s floor, are you even trying? Why does this thing look like it wants to enter me through my face holes and feed on my soul? Is this how Monique Lhuillier takes over the world? In a faux furpocalypse?

BUTTERFLY CHANDELIER

Monique Lhuillier Butterfly Chandelier: $499

Fuck. Right. Off if you think a $500 chandelier for children is a thing that is necessary. Jesus! When selecting how you’d like to pay for this, are chests of rubies and emeralds delivered via elephant and camels an option? When I was little, I was jazzed as shit to have some dumb glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to my ceiling. Your kids will be fine without this, I promise you.

FAUX FUR ERRTHANG

Skin all of the woodland creatures. Sleep inside of their carcasses. Warm your tootsies up by shoving your fucking feet inside of a panda’s head. Find the last unicorn, kill it, hang it upside down and bleed it to death so you can take a cute selfie wearing its scalp on your scalp. Do what you want, you don’t care!

GREENWICH DOLLHOUSE

Greenwich Dollhouse: $399

“Dammit, Kylie, I thought I told you not to play with your $400 dollhouse out in the snow. I swear to God, I’ll only buy you the $200 Westport dollhouse if you ruin that next time as punishment. Now, go throw $1,000 in the diamond encrusted fireplace, I feel a slight chill.”

MONIQUE LHUILLIER TREE SKIRT

Monique Lhullier Tree Skirt: $89

Do you sometimes forget your last name? Do you find yourself walking into strangers’ homes because you don’t have your name on display somewhere? Do you have more money than sense because you’re an obnoxious shitgibbon? Well, $89 and some albino lion mane ought to remedy all of your problems. Except for being a gaudy asshole, of course.

Are you ready for the grand finale? Feast your eyes on the most WTF-iest theme that seems to be trending in this year’s catalog.

FAWN FUR

Faux Fur Throws: $99

Here’s a neat family activity – wrap your child in this fawn fur blanket on movie night right before the scene where Bambi’s mother is murdered, then pump an air shotgun while laughing maniacally.

Critter Chairs: $129

Pose your infant on a spread-eagle throne of death.

Kill Bambi’s whole family. Stuff his wife with candy.

Nursery Faux-Fur Plush Fawn Rocker: $189

Mount his sweet ol’ gam-gam on wooden legs as a rocker so that not even in death can she know peace. You gotdamned monster.