By our SPM news team

You can now buy a crumpled tissue that a sick person has already sneezed in. This product is completely real.

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE.

For $80, you can buy a used kleenex to purposely give yourself a cold virus in one of the grossest ways possible. A note comes with the tissue, written by the founder of VaevTissue, Oliver Neissen, which says to wipe your nose with the sullied tissue, and you’ll “get sick on your own terms.”

Not only can you by someone else’s mucus in a kleenex for almost $100, you get to wipe a stranger’s phlegm-baby on your nose to give yourself the cold!

The vomiting you’ll probably end up doing during this part of the process is just a bonus! I’m surprised they don’t charge an extra $10 for that and call it a “detox stage.”

Shockingly, doctors don’t think this product is a good idea. It’s impossible to know what strain of virus (if any) is contained within the tissue, and it’s not safe for people who have compromised immunity issues, including older people or children.

Vaev is not regulated by the FDA, as it’s not an American company. They started in Copenhagen, and its Twitter account also notes Copenhagen as its location. (The word vaev means tissue in Danish).

Here’s the best part: Due to “supply issues,” the product is currently SOLD OUT.

Neissen says, “I think that products are worth what people are willing to pay for them. It’s a premium product, and it’s not something you can get from anyone anywhere else.” He says he expects to restock in a few weeks, as soon as he can get a fresh batch of sneezes on a new set of tissues.

Unrelated, I plan to start selling my own used tissues for $40 each. Or you can lick our doorknob for $20. Serious inquiries only. No weirdos, please.