Humor Parenting

“Why Does My Toddler Keep Licking Things?” Plus 5 Other Things I’ve Googled This Week

“Why Does My Toddler Keep Licking Things?” Plus 5 Other Things I’ve Googled This Week

By Rachel Bowers of Full Motherhood 

I’ve always been an anxious person who can think of the absolute worst case scenarios for any given situation. Tell me I’ve won the lottery, and the first thought that would pop into my mind is the potential for someone to kidnap me and lock me in a car trunk so they can hold me ransom for my money.

It’s no wonder that when I became a mom, I mastered the ability to perceive any insignificant event as a recipe for catastrophe. So I do what any other mom with ridiculous thinking patterns would do: I turn to my good friend, my confidante, the oracle that is Google.

Here are 6 things I’ve Googled this week:

1.“Why does my toddler keep licking things?”

Sometimes my son likes to re-enact the scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory when the kids are licking the wall, exclaiming, “The schnozberries taste like schnozberries!” Only instead of delicious fruity wallpaper, he’s licking the rails on public transportation, or the underside of a swing, or the cushion of a chair at the library. I start to wonder if there is a deep-seated psychological issue and we should begin lifelong therapy now, even though he can’t really have a conversation yet.

Google Answer: “Because you breastfed him too long” and “Because you didn’t breastfeed him long enough.”

2.“Can a toddler eat too much fruit?”

I know, first world mom problems. “Help! My toddler has access to clean and fresh produce on a daily basis!” But after my toddler ate 3 whole bananas, 3 servings of grapes, 2 apples and 2 oranges in one day, I decided I needed to panic about it. I started to research vitamin C efficiency and if the large amounts of fructose would somehow launch my son into juvenile diabetes.

Google Answer: “He’s not begging for candy yet? No public meltdowns in the grocery store because you won’t buy him a Hershey bar? Okay then, honey, just sit down and shut up.”

3.“Veggie muffin recipes my kid will eat”

Every once in a while, I’ll look up a healthy recipe for a snack I can make my son. Who am I kidding? I’ll never make it. But Googling it makes me feel like I can dream about being a better mom.

Answer: “Ingredients: Organic, home-milled flour (you do have your own home flour mill, right?), honey from a local beehive (make sure you ask for permission from the bees first), and home-grown vegetables freshly picked from your three-acre backyard garden. Prep time: 36 hours.”

4.“Should 2-year-olds be able to count to 10?”

I saw a mom post on Facebook, bragging about how her child could count to 20 by the time she turned 2 years old. Cue my emotional breakdown because I have obviously not provided my son enough education, and right now, everything he counts is the number 8. Or the letter B.

Google Answer: “Only if you want them to go to college.”

5.“Are reusable stickers toxic?”

My toddler may or may not have swallowed one. Or two. On various occasions.

Google Answer: “Everything is toxic. Including the laptop from which you are Googling.”

6.“Ways to relax”

I’m a therapist by trade and use relaxation techniques with clients all the time. But for a few hours in the late afternoon, when the play doh hit the fan (literally), I just forgot.

Google Answer: “Close your eyes and meditate for 30 minutes. Don’t worry, your 2-year-old is fine. He’s not licking an electrical outlet or anything….I think.”

My Answer: Don’t. Google. Anything. That’s how you relax.

So I’ve learned that for every ridiculous question I Google, the answer is not to Google it in the first place. Don’t give into your anxious curiosity. Ignorance is bliss, remember? The next time you’re thinking of Googling an outrageous parenting question with no clear answer, just go to Google and type in “cocktail recipes.”


About the Author

Rachel is a mom, therapist, and maternal mental health advocate. She blogs about emotional wellness for moms at Full Motherhood. Follow Rachel on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.