Wow! In No Way Did These Dads Sleep Through Anything Important!


Russell Martin, 27, in no way fell asleep during his first born daughter’s baptism. He could not have nodded off for a few minutes in the church pews while the priest was commenting on the importance of family, religion, and this holy day. Way to go, Dad!

Kevin Lombardo, 52, absolutely did not fall asleep during his son’s college graduation ceremony! He would never even think about drifting into a sweet slumber as his son, who worked tirelessly to achieve honors and a double degree, walked across the stage to receive and be bestowed with this once-in-a-lifetime honor. Kevin definitely did not close his eyes and count sheep during such an important day. Rock on, Kevin!

George Drakes, 37, would never plan on falling asleep during his daughter’s gymnastic meet. There is NO WAY he would sleep sitting up for a solid 45 minutes in a gym filled with noise, lights, music, and other parents chatting away with one another. In fact, George did not have ear plugs in his ears because he is “noise sensitive” and did not bring a neck pillow for “support” with him to a competition his daughter has deemed “super important.” Yup, this totally didn’t happen.

Donald Baker, 33, could not have fallen asleep in the waiting room while his three-year-old was having a simple surgical procedure for ear tube insertion. Although a minor procedure, it requires anesthesia and some waiting, so there is no way Donald “rested his eyes” in the waiting room filled with other anxiety-ridden parents. He, of course, did not then start to SNORE at 120 dB and stress out his wife even more! There is simply no way he also began to sleep talk his 1Password master security combination and social security number. Wow! Donald is amazing.

Jason Feldman, 44, was not in the living room, out cold, under covers, wearing fleece pajamas when the epic fight of all fights was going on in the other room between his children. Jason did not slumber in a deep REM stage as his kids flipped chairs, screamed so loud the dog started barking, and the family portrait fell off the wall of the dining room, hitting one of the kids in the head. Clearly he would not have been in a dream state as his wife was attempting to referee and break up a fight that required both parents on a united front to intervene and get the family back to a state of calm.

After all of that, Jason would not have woken up and stumbled into the kitchen to see one of his kids putting an ice pack on top of their head and then, finding his wife in their bedroom counting down from 100 through a series of deep breaths, ask, “What is for dinner?” Way to go, Jason!


About the Author

Lauren Morris is a writer, improvisor, and the founder/Director of AdLib Theatre Company. As a writer, Lauren has been featured in publications such as Razed, Points in Case, Slackjaw, MockMom and Belladonna. Studied satire with The Second City. She produces and directs including original works from local playwrights via The Playwright’s Round Table and The Orlando Fringe Festival as well as the founder/executive producer for the Central Florida Improv Festival. You can find her at and on Twitter: @laurenhasthree.