By Kristine Laco of MumRevised.com
I have been treated and I wanted to share my good fortune. My most recent trip to the shopping center had me acquainted with these ass washers. Have you seen them? It has taken me a really long time to appreciate their special talents because I had assumed these bidet wannabes were asserting their authority when they flushed before I was ready. Now I know that the douchiest of all automation, the auto flush toilets, is what progress looks like.
The previous kick lever system was flawed. Sure, it always worked only when you wanted it to. Sure, it was also hands-free. But it wasn’t progress. We must move forward, ladies, because a man got involved to improve our lives.
I say it was a man because men wouldn’t dare flush. Men don’t even flush at home so that they don’t have to wash their hands. “Isn’t that someone’s job? I don’t want to take away someone’s job” was heard outside the men’s room shortly before his automation idea was flushed out.
So a man got involved and said to some automation asshole, “Can we just get the toilets to flush without us even thinking about it since our wives refuse to go in the men’s room after us?” Cue progress.
Now we have the automated toilet. They are environmentally friendly, we are told. They use less water so we all must get on board (or on seat). The automated porcelain ass holder I used today flushed once when I was mid-stream and treated me to an excrement shower, once when I was mid-wipe and once when I was putting my purse on my shoulder. Genius. I never had to see the water being used so it was clearly just a trickle each time. And since I am using one-ply, the double the tissue used to wipe my giant urine-splashed caboose is really just evening the score for all that two-ply I insist on at home.
The man says they are more hygienic. I have to say the bottom of my shoes have never looked cleaner! After I do the ‘I’m done dance’ in front of the sensor without luck, I press the button. Not with my foot but with an actual digit because the button is small. It is small enough to contain the fecal matter of all the previous coffee drinkers. But that is what the automated hand washers are for. Am I right?
That button sits atop the toilet and requires leaning over the bowl. If you can’t get the toilet to flush like a real man does by calling your wife and blaming the kids, this is your penance for being courteous. Just leave it, ladies. It will work eventually.
If you are busting and there is only ‘that stall’ open which requires a flush, you must hover over the giant fecal art display and hope that there is no shit shrapnel from doing your good deed. Who needs good deeds in the karma bank? If you are busting, just add to the display. That is what custodians are for. Really, do you want to take away a union job with all your do-gooding?
If women just behaved more like men in the toilet stall, we wouldn’t have any of these problems. If we stopped caring about cleanliness, other people, and earth-saving bullshit, then we wouldn’t need to worry if we had to float over the seat to avoid the splash back. We wouldn’t have to worry if the damn thing even flushed at all. The next in line wouldn’t care anyway. She should just be happy that she is not peeing in a hole like in Asia.
Next time you are at the shopping center, don’t forget to enjoy the splash park in the name of progress. After all, why should the kids have all the fun?
About the Author
Kristine Laco shares her stories at MumRevised.com with a splash of sarcasm and a pinch of bitch. She lives in the Toronto area and is a stay-at-home mother of two kids aged 14 and 12 and a fur-baby. Her middle finger is her favourite.