By Sammiches News Team

I’m not sure what I clicked on, but there are suddenly a ton of ads for titty tape all over my Facebook feed. Megaritzy promises to lift your breasts, and their adhesive strength is demonstrated by things like sticking them to windows and using them to lift a water cooler jug. (Not kidding.)

The idea is that the tape gives you the lift you need without having to wear a bra. But this left me with more questions than answers:

First, how does Facebook know I hate wearing a bra? [Puts a titty sticker over webcam, just in case.]

Second, thanks for the assumption that I need industrial-grade adhesive to lift my breasts. You’re not wrong but it’s still slightly insulting.

What is the nip coverage like on these? I can’t have them out there, free-range, cutting glass and causing traffic accidents.

What if my boobs are a little lopsided? Can I get one in “water cooler jug” strength and just use scotch tape on the other?

What if they’re a little saggy? How do you keep the boob from folding in half when you pull up? Would rolling them up help?

What if they’re too big? Do you think I should just skip straight to duct tape?

Can this be used on other parts of our body? Because I’ve reached the age where my ass has its own ass.

What about using them to pull down our FUPA into our pants?

What about tiny ones for our eyelids so we can feign interest when annoying people talk to us?

Is the adhesive waterproof? Because boob sweat.

How long does the tape last? I feel like halfway through the workday, my girls will have found a way to escape, even if they have to tunnel out Shawshank-style.

Did a man invent these?

Is it better to pull them off slowly or rip them off like a bandage?

I agree that bra straps can be a pain, but I don’t know that having titty tape (that looks like bunny-shaped chicken cutlets) stuck to our chests is a better look.