By SPM Contributors
A video has gone viral that features a product called Nexsey (which we assume is named after the sexy they’re bringing back to necks), “a medical grade tape designed for use as a temporary way to tighten the wrinkles on the neck.” You can watch the video for yourself here:
And although nothing says sexy like the words “medical grade,” this product is currently sold out. Which left us wondering things like, “Why the fuck would someone tape their neck skin back?” and “How could so many people want to put tape on their necks that they are actually sold out?” In fact, we have a lot of questions:
First, is the red-sweater lady with the ginormous knockers really concerned that people are noticing her neck? We didn’t even realize she had a head until our second viewing.
What if taping your neck back like that stretches the skin out too much? Do you have to then tie the skin back there in a messy bun?
What happens if you’re getting freaky with your Tinder date and he accidentally untapes and gets suffocated by your jowls? Follow up: Is that murder or manslaughter?
Is this product the reason why Melania Trump’s eyes look like they’re running into her ears?
Will people try to have sex with my new neck vagina if I wear a ponytail?
Are neck vaginas prone to yeast infections?
Will it need a pap smear? If so, is that covered by insurance?
Why settle for dandruff when you can give your neck a UTI?
Is there some kind of fetish faction out there into finger-banging neck cracks that users should be on the lookout for?
At what point in a relationship is it appropriate to remove the tape and reveal excess neck skin to a prospective partner? Or do we have to keep re-taping indefinitely?
How long can you go without changing the tape before it begins to smell?
Is there an industrial-strength pulley version for more severe ‘turkey necks’?
Is there a certain point of use after which it’d be more cost and environmentally effective to just invest in a staple gun?
What happens when you get sweaty?
Or when someone tries to remove it? “Oh, I think you might have a little something right he–” *accidentally untapes neck, gets blinded by suddenly free, projectile wattle*
If you cough, will your chicken neck parachute-flop back out like the sneezing scene in Dumbo?
It says it’ll make us look thinner. Can we use it on our asses? Should we just tape the excess up in our cracks, or is there another recommended crevice to stuff and seal it in?
Is this product available for breasts?
Can it be used to tape my husband’s big fat mouth, too, or is it strictly for neck vag-es?
Will there be a men’s version to fix saggy balls?
Thank God someone finally invented this life-changing product for women. I mean, female Viagra would’ve been cool, too. Or maybe a birth control pill that doesn’t cause depression. But I guess a medical grade adhesive to tape back our necks is understandably our top priority.
Special thanks to the following authors/contributors: