Golden Globes ‘In Memoriam’ Tribute Rumored to Be 30-Minutes Long

By Andrew Knott of Explorations of Ambiguity

2016 was the best year for death since that one year, a long time ago, when everyone died of the flu. After such a banner death year, rumors about the much anticipated Golden Globes ‘In Memoriam’ segment are running rampant. The 74th edition of the awards show hosted by Jimmy Fallon will air live Sunday night at 8 p.m. EST on NBC.

An NBC official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, suggested that the network viewed the year-from-hell that ravaged the entertainment community as an opportunity. “I’m not saying we’re attempting to capitalize on death,” the official said, “but, you know, yeah, we’re kind of attempting to capitalize on death.”

Another source with intimate knowledge of the show’s production expressed similar sentiments. “Look, we know most people only watch award shows for the death segment, and that is even more true this year since literally everyone died. As far as interest goes, it’s death segment number one, then a huge gap, then two and three are seeing which authoritarian’s hair Fallon will tousle and which celebrities are most smashed.”

When asked to comment on rumors that the ‘In Memoriam’ segment might run as long as 30 minutes, the Globes source demurred. “I’m not going to get into specifics like length,” the source said, “but I can give you all the other specifics. The death segment will dominate hour three of the show because by then all the living celebrities in the room are too far gone to walk to the stage without assistance. Perfect time for the dead people to take over.

“Anyway, that guy from Weezer is going to perform an acoustic medley during the slideshow. The segment will culminate with the Weezer guy performing their smash hit, Beverly Hills, as we remember the real heavy hitters we lost in 2016, such as Prince, David Bowie, Snape, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, democracy, and Carol Brady. That shit is going to be a real tear jerker.”

On social media, some avid Globes viewers expressed concern that the lengthy ‘In Memoriam’ tribute might displace important pharmaceutical advertisements.

A Twitter user posting under the handle MyGlobesAreGold commented, “If this stupid in memoriam thing bumps any Cialis commercials, I’m going to loose (sic) it.” However, the NBC official dismissed such “ridiculous” concerns.

“Literally all we care about is money,” the official said. “Thus, we are planning to run Cialis and Trintelix ads on a continual loop during the entirety of the ‘In Memoriam’ tribute. Kind of like a picture-in-picture thing. We feel like honoring the dead while pitching drugs to treat erectile dysfunction and depression could not be a more perfect send-off for 2016.”


About the Author

Andrew is a writer from Orlando, Florida. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Higgs Weldon, RAZED, Queen Mob’s Teahouse, Defenestration Magazine, Scary Mommy, Flash Fiction Magazine, and Paste Magazine. He also writes on his website, Explorations of Ambiguity, and you can follow him on Twitter and Facebook. His first book, Fatherhood: Dispatches From the Early Years, is available now.