By Alison Huff of Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt
From the Desk of Sarah Huckabee Sanders:
Due to recent events, specifically the rudeness with which Jim Acosta accosted one of our own staffers during a press conference earlier this week, the White House has released the official list of approved questions reporters may ask the President of the United States of America.
Reporters from every news network except Fox News, but especially Counterfeit News Network (CNN), must adhere to and not deviate from the following list of questions and topics during any press conference henceforth:
• On a scale ranging from “Great” to “Tremendously Great,” just how great are you?
• Who do you think is the most successful president this country has ever known, and why?
• Kellyanne Conway: Hot or not?
• I’m thinking about building a wall around my house…do you have any advice on the best way to proceed?
• You know a lot about making deals. How can I get my neighbor’s dog to stop pooping in my driveway? Should I bribe my neighbor or should I just have him deported?
• There’s a coffee stain on my Klan robe. May I borrow one of yours?
• You and Vladimir are pretty tight these days. Can you tell us the secret to a lasting relationship with another dictator? How do you keep the spark alive?
• Jeff Sessions left the White House in a hurry. Prior to his departure, did he give you any indication about where his pot of gold is hidden?
• Let’s talk about losers and haters. Which one is worse?
• You’ve said before that the best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. What are your feelings on cilantro?
If a reporter in any way deviates from the aforementioned list of approved questions and topics, he/she will immediately lose access to the White House and shall face the President’s merciless wrath on Twitter, a barrage of verbal terror for which there will be no end.
All hail the tangerine son of the dark lord; may we bathe in his light and may his Kool-Aid continue to wash over us like golden showers from above.
About the Author
Mother of Doom and Destruction, Alison Huff is a writer from rural northeast Ohio. A contributor to anthologies and random websites that strike her fancy, she regularly writes for BLUNTmoms and on her own blog, Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt.