By Samantha Rodman of Dr. Psych Mom

Are you sick of feeling guilty about your excessive smartphone use or letting your kids play on their own (or not play on their own, depending on the social norms of your zip code)? Don’t worry, there’s a new proxy variable in town.

Now, your hair care routine can also allow you to feel like garbage about your parenting. Just keep this list handy to easily discover how your hair care behaviors predict your likelihood of failing as a mother.

1. Dyeing it yourself

You secretly resent not going to the salon, don’t you? One day your kids will tell their therapists how you guilt tripped them by audibly sighing about your sacrifices. Or maybe they’ll just internalize the resentment and marry people who don’t love them.

2. Plucking out grays

Vanity, thy name is whatever your name is. From observing this bizarre ritual, your kids will develop poor body image and an inability to revere the natural beauty of aging.

3. Flat ironing

So you don’t accept your curls? What else don’t you accept? Your kid’s feelings, perhaps?

4. Curling iron

Who has time for a hair care routine this elaborate? Are you on the Real Housewives? Or do you just watch it compulsively while you ignore your kids, drink boxed wine, and check Twitter?

5. Ponytail

Do you really not have five minutes to give even the most cursory nod to your appearance? Your kids are embarrassed of you, and thus, at a core level, of themselves.

6. French braid

Some might say that you’re trying to unconsciously compete with your seven-year-old by wearing a hairstyle favored by elementary schoolers. This Mommie Dearest behavior will undoubtedly come back to haunt you when your daughter stops speaking to you in her early 20s.

7. Loose hair

A style known for millennia as a sign of rampant and wanton sexuality. If your goal is to snuff out your children’s healthy sexual development with your overt displays of libidinal urges, you’re on the right track.

8. Daily shampooing

This harsh regime destroys fragile hair, but you don’t care. You’re likely similarly unfazed by how your awful parenting destroys your children’s fragile psyches.

9. Brushing

You are a lady of luxury, aren’t you? You could be reading with your kid in those lost moments. Don’t worry, he’ll learn to read someday, in school, from a stranger.

10. Combing

Ever been called nitpicky? How about perfectionistic? Does your child seem solemn and anxious at times? Don’t worry, I’m sure it has nothing to do with you.

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About the Author

Samantha Rodman is a clinical psychologist in private practice. She blogs at Dr. Psych Mom and is the author of How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce. She lives with her husband and three kids in Maryland.