Raising kids is a mixed bag of adorable moments and times where you literally feel like you might spontaneously combust into a flaming burst of frustration and rage. And there are other emotions too. For example, the crippling fear that cuts through you like ice when your kids say some weird, freaky-ass shit that makes you wonder what kind of foul, baneful energy they’re bringing into your home.
Kids are all fun and cute until they go and say some crazy-ass shit about how you’re gonna die soon, or that you have an old hag that’s hovering around your bed. We expect our kids to be loud and a pain in the ass, but haunted?! Shit, we gotta draw a line somewhere now.
One day when they’re grown, the creepy shit they say will be a fun anecdote, but until then, you have to sleep with one eye open because not only do kids not come with a manual — but they do come with a pack of demons and an insatiable appetite for seeing you lose your shit.
1. Throw out the whole damn child
My kid said something and I said “what?” and he said he wasn’t talking to me but we were the only people in the car so I’ll let you guys know when the walls start bleeding
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) May 8, 2018
2. I NEED DETAILS
What’s sad is that my dog of 12 years just passed.
What’s scary is that my 5YO keeps telling me it’ll be okay because I’m gonna see him again, “really, really soon.”
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) October 18, 2018
3. Both might be useful, not gonna lie
I have a cat who does sudden sprints across the room for no reason
A dog whose ears perk up when it’s dead silent
And a toddler who waves and laughs at the wall
I don’t know if I need a shrink or a priest right now
— Kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) January 25, 2020
4. It’s equal parts “awww” and “SAGE THAT KID, QUICK”
Having kids is great because sometimes they play so nicely by themselves and start talking to their toys in funny voices and it's like having your very own little horror movie right there in your living room.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) March 5, 2020
5. Wow, that’s real sweet honey *makes the sign of the cross*
"I can't keep my eyes off of you."
Sweet as song lyrics.
Horrifying when whispered in your ear by a 3YO.
— Megan Rikas (@MegsHAUSTED) September 29, 2016
6. Everyone loves those late night shuffles and giggles
Move your toddler out of the crib and into a toddler bed, so they’re free to roam the house in the middle of the night and scare the ever loving shit out of everyone.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) January 3, 2020
7. I’m not sure what he’s saying but I’m sleeping with some black tourmaline, just to be safe
Does anyone else’s kid whisper strange, inaudible phrases under their breath during bedtime that could be innocent child mumblings or scary evil curses.
Yeah…mine either. That would be weird.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) December 24, 2019
8. Why play catch with your kids when they can just toss your own mortality at you
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 19, 2019
9. Um yeah, good values to live by I guess
Me: you’re going to be a good boy in school today?
3yo: yeah dad.
Me: what aren’t you going to do?
3yo: I’m not going to hit and I’m not going to grab.
Me: good what else?
3yo: I’m not going to eat people.
Me: good….creepy ass thing to say but good.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 5, 2020
10. That’s one way to get some time to yourself
My daughter has been telling other school children on the playground that the swings are haunted by a ghost girl that jumped off the swings, fell, hit her head, and died.
Now she’s got the swings all to herself, and other kids think she’s tough and fearless.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 17, 2018
11. Burning your whole house down and starting over with the insurance money seem like some good next steps
Me, when my son hears a noise: There’s no such thing as monsters, honey. Nothing to be afraid of.
Me, when the dog looks at an empty corner: Whelp, looks like we’ll need an old priest and a young priest
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) July 1, 2018
12. Damn, aren’t deadlines the worst?
My daughter recently told me that I only have 10 more birthdays. I’m not 💯 sure what she meant by this but you can bet your ass that my 10 year plan looks a lot different than it used to.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) March 4, 2020
13. Um… cool story bro?
Me: Sweet dreams
3: You'll go to jail and die
Me: (backs away slowly)
Kids are creepy
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 1, 2015
14. What we have is a problem
4: daddy we have a house
4: and we have a car
4: oh and i have a bed
Me: [blank stare] yes.
4: AND there's an old man who comes to see me at night when i'm sleeping.
4: sometimes i see him go to your room
Me: FFS stop this.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 2, 2019
So make sure to throw some salt at your child tonight at bedtime, then padlock yourself in your room and say 15 Hail Marys.
Just kidding. If the quest for free time has taught us anything at all, it’s that the kids WILL find us, and they will most definitely say something weird. It’s just what they do!