As we grow up and get older, our standards for fun and excitement change. Where once we may have craved the thrill of excitement and adventure, we now are lusting after silence and a houseful of nobody.
One of the craziest changes that occurs is that we become domesticated to the point where who we once were is unrecognizable. There is no shred of the carefree person we once were when we are getting excited about a toilet paper sale. You cannot find it. It’s simply not there.
And as we get domesticated, our joys and our trials are found within our very tiny world. Things that excite us now are good deals, new fixtures, and having an empty laundry basket. Just kidding about that third one, which clearly doesn’t exist.
However, no matter how boring our lives become, we still manage to find those little joys. Being a boring housebitch is much like being a master of mindfulness, grasping the small joys as they manifest. 2 for 1 peanut butter, here I come!
With any luck your sparkle will shine again, long after your kids flee the coop, and you once again get to spread your wings. But until then, have fun with your dishes and your laundry pile. Nama-stay impressed with things like reasonably priced garbage bags.
1. That spatula is INCREDIBLE, though.
Things I thought I would have as an adult: a thriving career, an amazing social life, an impressive retirement account.
Things I actually have as an adult: a plastic bag filled with plastic bags, a favorite spatula, crippling anxiety.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 25, 2019
2. It’s like a fun game that you’ll never win.
Welcome to adulthood. You always have at least 6 remaining dirty dishes after filling the dishwasher
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) August 11, 2018
3. Your culinary skills get absolutely LIT. Did someone say Dinner Party?
Just put fresh cracked pepper on this Kraft mac'n cheese like I'm on one of those competition cooking shows.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 19, 2019
4. LOL, like a monster like that would exist.
Never trust anyone who doesn't have a favorite burner on the stove.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 19, 2019
5. Once Santa went “thickweight paper” he never looked back.
I bought the “good wrapping paper” this year after last year’s “it rips as you wrap” debacle. Yep. That’s right. I have “wrapping paper standards” now.
— Marly (@VerbsRProudest) December 24, 2019
6. It’s like an orgasm for your inner clean freak!
Few things in life are as simultaneously disgusting and satisfying as pulling a hair clog out of the shower drain on the first try.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) December 31, 2019
7. Well, la-di-da…
Oh, you don’t reuse plastic bags from the store as trash bags in your bathroom? Sorry, I didn’t realize I was dealing with royalty here.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 29, 2017
8. It’s like a little slice of private Heaven!
I told my tween to write me a note and put it in a place only I would find it.
She put it in the dishwasher.
Well played. Well. Played.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 6, 2020
9. It’s a thrill a minute around here; let me know if you want to buy a first-class ticket to live the “me” experience.
I just got asked if I’m enjoying my “vacation from work” being a SAHM. Why just a little bit ago I pulled a toy from the toilet while the gentle waves of sewer water lapped around my arm and spilled ever so gently onto my feet. Much like the beach, In hell.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) December 9, 2019
10. I’m pretty picky about the things I allow in my home.
If it’s not dishwasher safe then it doesn’t belong in my life.
— The Vagina Diary (@thevaginadiary) January 7, 2020
Worry not, your excitement WILL come again!
And when it does, you’ll be ready for it. Until then, have fun living that #domesticAF life, full of chores, simple pleasures, and mind-numbing, crippling boredom.