By Alison Huff of Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt
BERLIN CENTER, OHIO—Earlier this morning, 39-year-old Emma Snodgrass, mother of two tween daughters, awoke to silence in her home.
“It was eerie,” Snodgrass recalled. “At first, I thought I was still asleep and dreaming. When I realized I was awake, though, I was sure I had been transported like that lady on Outlander, back to a time before my kids were born. I haven’t known any real peace in my life since those days, you know?”
Confused by the quiet and the lack of a sexy redheaded Scotsman, Snodgrass went downstairs to make the grisly discovery of her daughters, 10-year-old Suzy and 12-year-old Bertha, playing a friendly game of chess at the kitchen table.
“I was horrified,” Snodgrass said through tears. “Absolutely terrified. They weren’t whining or screaming. They weren’t hitting each other, and neither one of them was bleeding from anywhere. I kept saying to myself over and over, ‘This can’t be happening,’ because I just couldn’t believe my eyes. They never get along. Never!”
With no time to waste, we followed Snodgrass as she drove herself to the local Walmart to stock up on supplies for her homestead.
“It’s here! Y’all best get ready because the Apocalypse is HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!” Snodgrass fervently warned anyone who would listen to her as she loaded her cart with toilet paper, bottled water, canned goods, and menstrual pads. A second cart was used for other essentials like batteries and chocolate.
One anonymous witness told us of his initial encounter with Snodgrass in the Walmart: “I thought she was deranged at first. I mean, nobody in their right mind would need forty cans of Spam, not for nothin’! But then she told me what happened with the kids in her kitchen, and it totally freaked me out, man. Like, there ain’t no tween siblings anywhere in this world who get along. It had to be a biblical sign of something terrible a-comin’!”
The witness said he immediately got on the phone to his wife, who told him that their own daughters, aged 9 and 11, were quietly watching television together in their living room. She didn’t know what to make of it, either, and felt uneasy about the whole situation.
“That’s when I knew it for sure,” he said. “God help us, that lady in aisle fourteen wasn’t crazy. The End Times really are here!”
He ran off screaming before he could comment further, but we took notice of several more frantic shoppers on our way to track down Snodgrass, who was already in the checkout line.
“What are you still standing there for? You’d best get someplace safe and take cover soon as you can,” she told us while pitching can after can of Spam onto the conveyor belt. “Like how the air’s all calm right before a tornado drops out of the sky and destroys everything in its path, this is the quiet before the storm hits. My tween daughters are getting along with each other and that can only mean one thing: it’s the Apocalypse! It’s here! Heaven help us all!”
This is a developing story, so stay tuned to channel KWTF for more information as our world meets its end.
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About the Author
Mother of Doom and Destruction, Alison Huff is a writer who actually lives on a road named Mock; a move she felt was kismet. A contributor to anthologies and random websites that strike her fancy, she regularly writes for BLUNTmoms and on her own blog, Please Stop Putting Crackers Down My Shirt You can follow Alison on the Facebook and the Twitter.