Christians Shocked by Scientists’ Portrayal of Jesus as Totally Unf–able

Christians Offended by Scientists' Portrayal of Jesus as Totally Unf*ckable

By Emily Spence of Sweet n’ Sour Mom

At the end of 2015, scientists uncovered something amazing about Jesus Christ. After thoroughly researching as many facts as they had available, a group of scientists are saying they finally know what the Messiah looked like.

One of these researchers says of the discovery, “It is exciting to be staring into the eyes of the real Jesus–the realistic-looking Jesus. As soon as we finished, we all stood back, taking it in, and knew there was no doubt.” Chuckling, he added, “I’m sure it will be shocking for many. He definitely doesn’t appear the same way he’s been perceived for centuries!”

Christians Offended by Scientists' Portrayal of Jesus as Totally Unf*ckable

“Shocking” for many is an accurate statement. What has been even more shocking since this discovery is the fact that some people are more than shocked. Some are disappointed and heartbroken.

Since “The True Reveal,” a group has surfaced to voice their disdain about Jesus’ new look. “Jesus’ Jezebels” is a group that formed in 1970 after the production “Jesus Christ Superstar” hit the stage. Over the years, the group, which started out as just a few fans of the musical, continued adding members, ultimately focusing on more than the Broadway show.

A strong focus for the group has been Christ’s looks. To the twelve women and three men, Jesus is not just a superstar, but a supermodel.

The group wish to remain anonymous, but a couple of members have stepped forward with statements about the new  Jesus.

One woman, “Susan,” exclaimed, “I was dumbfounded! When I saw the picture online, I cried. I called ‘Helen’ from the group and said, ‘Jesus Christ, Helen! You’ll never believe what scientists are saying about how Jesus actually looked.’ We both shed some tears. That short, curly-haired man with a big nose and disheveled beard is our hero!?!? It was madness amongst the entire group.”

Helen reports, “Yeah, as Susan said, we were beyond disappointed. Everything we’ve been oogling over was gone. Gone were the long, luscious locks. Gone was the long, sexy beard I always imagined running my fingers through. The blue eyes. Gone. For so long now, I’ve had this image. I’ve dreamt of being cuddled in the arms that are strong enough to part the seas. I imagined what it would be like to kiss his sweet face, surrounded by that gorgeous mane. And now this is the countenance I have to dream about, in my lingerie, while my husband’s at work? No. It’s impossible. I’m sorry, but that face is just not fuckable. The face of someone coming to repair a broken hot water heater? The guy who drives you home in a cab? Yes. I don’t know who to obsess over now… I’m lost. I guess the first step is to take the giant poster of Jesus on the ceiling above my bed down.”

If you also had the same feelings as this group and still suffer, take solace in the knowledge that you’re not alone. Women all over the world have stepped forward to voice their emotions. It’s been reported that a support group will be organized early next month for those seeking redemption from their sadness and woes.


About the Author

Emily, aka the Sweet n’ Sour Mom, was once a middle school teacher, and is now spending her days, diffusing meltdowns, changing diapers, and trying to hold onto her sanity by a bare thread. She usually looks disheveled, walking around asking, “Is it 5:00 yet??” She lives outside of Baltimore, Maryland with her husband, two girls, and obnoxious Westie. You can read more at She can also be followed on Facebook and Twitter.