Trump’s Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up the Government

By Rhiannon Giles of

I saw a tweet about some chick named Marie Kondo? Condo? I like condos, own a few of them myself. Kondo doesn’t sound Mexican. Aren’t all the housekeepers Mexican? I’m not racist. I’m just saying. Someone tell her to change her name.

The tweet was about spanking somebody named Joy. You know I had to search the cyber for that!

WRONG! Turned out to be a book about getting rid of things you don’t need anymore. I guess some people do this with the stuff in their houses. I don’t know why; I just buy another house.

They call her book “the cleaning bible.” I am supposed to be cleaning a swamp, right? Or was it draining it? I know I’m supposed to read a bible.

I don’t know anything about bibles or cleaning. I haven’t read a book in 50 years. I’m Donald J. Trump, there are people to do that stuff for me. I’ll tell you what: the main thing I like is not having to think big thoughts. I have enough money to pay people to think big thoughts.

I like to work closely with two terrific guys, maybe you’ve heard of them: Bannon and Pence. They tell me what I like. Really terrific guys, really. The best.

Lots of people say being president is hard. But it’s mostly hanging out with famous, important people and getting my picture taken. And they always want my autograph, especially Bannon on these executive whatevers. EASY!

And now Bannon says we have to throw out two old rules for every new rule. So here’s how we’re going to tidy up the government, Kondo-style: I’ll keep the things I like! The rest is FIRED!

Things I Like:

  • Twitter. Definitely sparks joy. Short sentences! Bigly good.
  • Kissing. Reserved for 7s and higher. I am the best kisser!
  • Gold. I love gold so much I am turning into it! And no, I’m not talking about the pee-pee tapes. Fake news!
  • Fox News. The best! Except for Megyn Kelly.
  • Walls. Walls are good! My houses have so many walls! I will build more walls!
  • White people. Bannon made me write this.
  • Suing people. Especially rich people!

Things I Do Not Like:

  • Saturday Night Live. Not funny!
  • Security briefings. BORING!
  • The New York Times. Terrible!
  • Poor people. They only own maybe two houses…or even just one! LOSERS.
  • Abortions. I don’t really care! Pence says he won’t give me my new Twitter password until I add it to the list.
  • Refugees. Donald J. Trump does not run from problems! Lazy! Why don’t they just fly a chartered plane out of Syria?
  • Taxes. That’s why I don’t pay them. SMART!

Kondo also says I am supposed to thank the sad, useless things. That does not spark joy! Donald J. Trump’s not doing that.


About the Author

Rhiannon Giles is an overwhelmed mother who only occasionally considers giving her children to the circus. She has a sarcasm problem and writes regularly at To keep up with new posts and see some of her favorites, join her on Facebook and Twitter.