By Erin Williams
WASHINGTON D.C. – Hailing it as “a turning point for toddlers everywhere,” National Baby Specialist Donna Faber from the Washington Institute for Nation’s Eaters (or WINE) declared today National Eat Your Fucking Dinner Day.
“I have an 18-month-old at home,” she told reporters while scratching at the dried clump of Gogurt in her hair. “And today, he will eat his fucking food.”
Mothers across the United States are preparing to celebrate the inaugural national holiday by lowering their standards and giving their children unusually small lunches. “We want to participate,” one mother said, “and I remain hopeful that we can, sometime before little Layla turns 35.”
Some were less enthusiastic. A local mother, who wished to be identified as Lisa R., wrote in an online forum that “[her] son literally screams at a volume level that hurts the dogs. He throws chunks of cut up veggie burger across the house, and sometimes it takes [her] weeks to find them. The other day, he rubbed ranch dressing into his eyes.” She claims to make her son up to five dinners a night, just so he won’t starve.
“It’s exhausting,” she noted, as she collapsed onto the floor and died.
About the Author
Erin Williams is a writer and illustrator living in New York. Her work has appeared on Buzzfeed, Scary Mommy, Pregnant Chicken (where she is a staff writer), and Ramshackle Glam (where she writes a weekly column). Her first book, The Big Fat Activity Book for Pregnant People, will be published by Plume in April, 2017. She is the mother of an 18-month-old daughter, Lucy, who never eats her fucking dinner.