Congratulations on the birth of your new baby!
By now you will have decided to have a natural home birth, breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, withhold vaccines, cloth diaper, and use rear-facing carseats into the teen years (that is, if you are a good mom). Why not take things a step further and consume your placenta with one of the following recipes?
Placenta Pot Pie
Ingredients
1 cup carrots, chopped
1 cup celery, chopped
1 cup peas
1 large onion, chopped
1 ready-made pastry crust
1 1/2 cups placenta broth*
1 placenta, cubed (or 2, if you have access to the biohazard disposal at your local hospital)
Method
Boil your placenta in 3 cups of your breast milk, then drain liquid and set aside. *This will be your broth.
Place vegetables and placenta into a large saucepan and cook until tender. Kneed pastry dough in a pie pan, fill with cooked mixture and pour broth over top. Cook at 375 degrees for 30 minutes. Season with the salt of your own tears.
Reviewer’s note: “Pastry dough isn’t paleo, so I opted to stuff the vegetables inside of my placenta instead. It was like haggis…but more disgusting. I never knew that was possible.” – Maggie, Scotland
Afterbirth Alfredo
Ingredients
1/4 cup butter
1 cup heavy cream
1 clove garlic, crushed
1 1/2 cups freshly grated parmesan cheese
2 cups pasta, cooked
A bag of afterbirth, marinated in your body fluids
Method
Melt butter in a medium saucepan, add cream, garlic and cheese and let simmer until bubbling. Pour congealed body slop into mixture and boil. Log on to natural parenting blogs and read message boards until you’ve convinced yourself that what you’re doing is completely normal. Spoon over pasta and serve with a garnish of parsley and crunchy-mom sanctimony.
Reviewer’s note: “Rich and creamy! And when I gagged it back up, it gave me the experience of giving birth again, this time out of my mouth.” – Rachel, Canada
Umbilical Omelette
Ingredients
Four eggs, beaten
1 teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
1/3 tomato, diced
1/2 cup mushrooms, diced
7 deveined shrimp
1 umbilical cord, chopped
Method
Place oil in a large skillet and add tomatoes, mushrooms, shrimp and umbilical cord.
Stir mixture so that you confuse yourself about which texture is shrimp, which is mushroom, and which is human tissue that used to live in your body. Turn heat to low, pour eggs over the top of the horror show in your skillet, and cook until the eggs turn as firm as your asinine resolve to eat your own medical waste.
Reviewer’s note: “I added 17 cloves of garlic to cover the stench of burning blood. Now my breath smells like a vampire execution.” – Sadie, USA
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About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two toddlers, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scarymommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.