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How Gwyneth Paltrow Prepares for Easter

By Crystal Lowery

Easter is almost here, and the Paltrow household is gearing up for some family fun. Moses and Apple have already been measured for their hand-tailored pastel rompers made with 100% organic silk from wild larvae in the Hunan forests of China.

This year, I’ve decided to take a break from acting and focus on my lifestyle website, GOOP. My goal is to bring the GOOP way of life to regular women to whom I easily relate since I played a regular woman in the film View From the Top.

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This issue of GOOP is all about Easter. Our egg hunt will take place in the back yard of my smallest guest-house so that the children don’t get lost on our vast estate. It will consist of $100 dollar bills folded into origami bunnies and colored eggs. An eco-friendly way to dye eggshells is by using concentrated beet juice. It can get messy, but don’t worry. I have a beet guy on staff.

My rescue hens, Pomegranate and Broccoli, will do the laying. These girls are close to my heart since I emancipated them from a hipster couple in Portland who smoked too much marijuana and unintentionally overfed them with snack foods. Pomegranate and Broccoli were pecking around in their own GOOP when we found them and brought them to their forever home. My on-site veterinarian performed MRI scans on the girls and determined that they were grossly obese and at risk for poultry diabetes. They’re now on the road to recovery and looking forward to enjoying their first Easter as Paltrows.

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I celebrate Easter from a secular standpoint since the internet told me that it is simply a reworked version of pagan Ishtar worship. Broccoli’s nanny, Jan, disagrees. During the hens’ naptime, she is writing her PhD thesis in theology on Calvin’s Divine Accommodation Theory (wherein God condescends into human culture, redeeming it, and using it as a vehicle through which he reveals himself to mankind.) She explained that Divine Accommodation may apply to Babylonian holidays that were Christianized in the Roman Empire. It was so naïve and adorable.

Since I study Kabballah, and am therefore the leading authority on world religions, I just rolled my eyes, patted Jan’s hand, and told her how precious she was for her uneducated, shallow faith in nonsense. Then we discussed the menu:

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Salmon tartlette

Haricots verts (that’s green beans for you plebeians)

Lemon-ginger bundt

Jan agreed that the hens will really enjoy the aforementioned cuisine since it is their cheat meal before they embark on a strict wellness diet in April.

The human guests will be served:

Lobster en croute

Beef skirt on a bed of rocket

Elderflower mousse with orange biscotti (baked in small batches by my personal pastry chef)

Among the company will be Chris Martin. Though he and I are consciously uncoupled, we spend holidays together as transcendental co-pundits for our children.

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No Easter would be complete without chocolate. That’s why I’m flying my favorite chocolatier from Brussels to create bespoke candy figurines in the shape of our spirit animals.

Easter at the Paltrow house is going to be a feast for all!

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About the Author

Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two toddlers, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scarymommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.