We’ve all driven a piece of shit car at one point. They’re practically a rite of passage. Mine? It was a 1988 Acura Integra called “The Storm Trooper.”

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Now, before you get jealous of my “luxury vehicle,” you should know the year I owned it was 2008. That’s right: I took ownership 20 years after someone rolled out of the Acura dealership, delighted to have a leather interior and the latest beneath-the-seat phone (a gargantuan spectacle that probably caused testicular cancer).

Aside from the reliable Japanese engine, nothing else held up 20 years later. No AC. No radio. The windows didn’t roll down. The leather was sunburned to smithereens. The hatchback required a 2 x 4 to hold it up. You get the gist.

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Today I saw a Craigslist ad that sent me down memory lane. A man named Jason in Houston is selling his 1999 Toyota Corolla for $2500. And if he doesn’t get any offers, I’m considering starting a GoFundMe campaign to launch his future career in comedy writing. See for yourself — excerpts of his ad are below:

Features:

Bluetooth: nope
Sunroof: nope
Fancy wheels: nope
Rear view camera: nope…but it’s got a transparent rear window and you have a fucking neck that can turn.

You could take the engine out of this car, drop it off the Golden Gate Bridge, fish it out of the water a thousand years later, put it in the trunk of the car, fill the gas tank up with Nutella, turn the key, and this puppy would fucking start right up.

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Personal Characteristics:

Things this car is old enough to do:
Vote: yes
Consent to sex: yes
Rent a car: it IS a car

You wanna know more? Great, I had my car fill out a Facebook survey.
Favorite food: spaghetti
Favorite tv show: Alf
Favorite band: tie between Bush and the Gin Blossoms

Selling Points:

Interesting facts:
This car’s exterior color is gray, but it’s interior color is grey.
In the owner’s manual, oil is listed as “optional.”
When this car was unveiled at the 1998 Detroit Auto Show, it caused all 2,000 attendees to spontaneously yawn. The resulting abrupt change in air pressure inside the building caused a partial collapse of the roof. Four people died. The event is chronicled in the documentary “Bored to Death: The Story of the 1999 Toyota Corolla”

This car is as practical as a Roth IRA. It’s as middle-of-the-road as your grandpa during his last Silver Alert. It’s as utilitarian as a member of a church whose scripture is based entirely on water bills.

This car’s got history. It’s seen some shit. People have done straight things in this car. People have done gay things in this car. It’s not going to judge you like a fucking Volkswagen would.

Jason, if you’re reading this, you are my hero. Thanks for the laugh, and I hope you can upgrade to a 2007 Kia Spectra. It’s reliable, Korean, and also fine AF.

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