Kids are masters of deceit. They never seem like they’re paying attention, but bring them through a checkout line with an inquisitive cashier and they’ll perk right up while airing out all your dirty laundry. And I mean ALL of it. They can make you laugh, cry, want to disappear into the floor, and seriously question the meaning of life with inquiries that put famous philosophers to shame.
The things that come straight from the mouths of babes can range from unintentionally hilarious to humbling and soul crushing, and the funny parents on Twitter are here to share the hilarity.
My toddler just yelled, “I’m not crazy!” at whoever he was pretending to talk to on his phone
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 28, 2018
A mom brought her young son into the Macy's dressing room, and he's saying things like "Not your best look" and "It makes you lumpy right there," and I want to ask his opinion about these pants.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 25, 2018
2yo referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them
— Rebecca Caprara (@RebeccaCaprara) February 23, 2018
[My kid walks in, face covered in yoghurt] Daddy, can I try archery?
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) February 27, 2018
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was "six."
— dadpression (@Dadpression) February 23, 2018
'The children are our future', I mutter as the 2-year-old holds a compass upside down and confidently tells me it's 40 o'clock.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) March 9, 2017
Me: Are you ready to have the best day ever?
5-year-old: Yes, but I’ll still be a little cranky.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 20, 2018
According to my 5 year old “what the heck in your face” is the worst thing you can say to someone.
— F. G. Boofable (@fgboof) March 27, 2018
Overheard a little boy say, “My life is poop,” and I identify with him on a deeply spiritual level.
— Nayele18 (@nayele18maybe) April 3, 2018
Just overheard a little boy shout to his mom "I GOTTA GO TO THE POTTY CUZ MY PENIS IS SQUISHED UP THE WRONG WAY IN MY PANTS" and I had to do a double-take to make sure my son hadn't escaped school and followed me
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2018
Me: Jeez my phone is ringing off the hook.
Kids: What hook?
Me: I hate your generation.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 8, 2016
Mom, are you 56?
No. I'm 36.
That's almost the same right?
*crosses out 5 items on his Santa list
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) October 14, 2016
I got stuck in an elevator & came home and told my kid the story. She asked if I ever got out so I’m gonna go drink her college fund now.
— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) October 22, 2017
My son just said, “Just as a heads up, my rocket is probably going to come pick me up soon. I was placed here as a baby but I’m seven now, it’s time to return home.” I asked him if he was an alien and he said, “yeah, we’re hunters. We explore planets.” I’m genuinely creeped out.
— ally (@TragicAllyHere) December 7, 2017
My son pronounces the word society like "so-shitty" and honestly, he's kind of nailed it.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) June 13, 2017
My 7yo said "when I grow up, I'm gonna make the dad do all the laundry" and I believe the children are our future.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 27, 2017
From the mouths of babes.