Residents Agree with Marcy’s Diner That Screaming Kids Are the Worst, Instead Outraged by Neglect of Basic Grammar

Residents Agree with Marcy's Diner That Screaming Kids Are the Worst, Instead Outraged by Neglect of Basic Grammar
Residents agree with the restaurant owner’s point. It’s the grammar and spelling that make them want to cunt punch her.

By Melissa Coble of An Unfit Parent 

After the breaking news of a crying child at Marcy’s Diner here in Portland yesterday, we sent our reporter, Tom Richardson, out into the streets to get a reaction from the locals. Many had not heard about the crying child, or the subsequent post from the owner of the diner that has since gone viral; however, Tom was able to locate a few fellow Portlanders who were aware of the problem.

Mary Johnston and her husband Pat had heard of the “ruckus,” as they referred to it, but had no real idea what to think of it. “I have never eaten at Marcy’s” said Mary, “so I have no idea if all the children there cry or if this is an unusual thing.”  Pat did admit to having eaten lunch there once, but could not recall any crying children, let alone “screaming, wailing” ones.

After some searching, Tom was able to locate Dave and Paul, who seemed very up to date on the issues at Marcy’s.

“Oh, yes!” declared Paul. “We have heard all about it! I have to say that I quite agree that ordering three full-sized pancakes for a child is out of line. Everybody who is anybody knows that children, or should I call them Rotten Beasties, can only eat two, maybe two-and-a-half pancakes. What kind of moron would order three?”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Dave chimed in. “But that isn’t the reason we will never eat there again. Oh, no. Our biggest problem is with the owner’s post on the matter! I mean, obviously, if you bother to raise your kid right, they never, ever cry. I had a wonderful mother, and I never cried, not once, as a child! But our real issues pertain to our own two loves — our ‘children,’ so to speak. Their names are Grammar and Spelling!” giggled Dave.

“Right!” exclaimed Paul. “Have you read the post?” he asked. “It is atrocious. I mean, seriously, am I expected to eat a muffin baked by someone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘wale’ and ‘wail’? How am I supposed to have any faith in their abilities if it’s painfully apparent that they cannot even read a recipe?”

“That’s not all either,” Dave pointed out. “She also doesn’t even know how to spell Cheerios! How is that possible? Is she American? It was all so confusing, the way that she continuously put periods in the middle of sentences and kept putting numerous spaces between words and punctuation.”

“The wrong punctuation too!” screeched Paul, adding, “She doesn’t even know that no one is TWO DIFFERENT WORDS! It is considered incorrect to add them together because of the doubled vowels!”

“It’s really just too much for us,” Dave conceded. “We can’t go there and feel confident we won’t get food poisoning or some other dreaded disease from this wildly uneducated person. As it is now, I’m starting to feel ill just thinking about it.”

“Besides,” pointed out Paul, “everybody who is anybody knows damn good and well that you don’t serve pumpkin anything in July! What kind of deranged lunatics are we living with here in our wonderful city?”



About the Author

Melissa Coble is An Unfit Parent living in Phoenix, Arizona just trying to survive the teenage years with a lot of laughs, an occasional rant, and copious amounts of wine. You can find her counting the days until her nest is empty at An Unfit Parent and endlessly Facebooking.