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I chose my husband based on how well we could recreate a sitcom together. I like to think I chose well. Below are some examples which I feel illustrate I chose correctly.
1) Our disagreements
One evening I requested help to settle a quick marriage dispute. Here was the dispute:
So the other night I was using my belly button as a pseudo mouth while I practiced ventriloquism (like you do when you’re hanging out at home, putting the kids to bed, etc.). Oh, wait! Let me back up; that was the meat and potatoes of the dispute.
While my belly button was talking to my husband Kerry, he looked at me like I was slightly crazy. He then said, and I quote, “I never want to hear you say that anything I say/do is weird.” As you can imagine, I was stunned.
First of all, he didn’t even acknowledge how far I had come in my ventriloquism, and second, he interrupted my belly button in midsentence. I feel like “speaking” with your belly button is pretty normal, and frankly, I’m not sure I want to live in a world where this is not ordinary conduct.
Am I wrong about this? Is my whole life a lie? Are there no etiquette books stating that interrupting belly buttons is extremely rude? Kerry seemed to not even notice what a faux pas that was.
2) Handling sneaking around
Busted: suspect by the name of Kerry. Background check showed no prior arrests. Was caught in a sting operation. Offense included attempting to open a box with his Christmas present and trying to hide said box-opening incident. Wife caught him somewhat accidentally (still counts) after some confusion (it happens even in us spring chickens) over what boxes she had opened and which she had not and stormed into the room, accusatory guns a-blazing over who opened the box in her hand. Husband initially denied allegation, but after further interrogation he could no longer hide the truth: he had opened a box.
After the incident, wife realized her mistake. Box had been opened by her and contained toys for girls (was about same size as husband’s box)’ was not the box husband had opened. He should have looked closer – sucker!
Perp sentenced to public humiliation.
3) Ridiculous situations
So this morning our 3 year old had no clean undies (I know, feel free to judge, but better her than me – she has PullUps). The whipper snapper told me that Daddy came in and took her undies to work with him. Obviously that sounds a little creepy. Keep in mind, she made that up, but I kept picturing my husband and his coworkers at the cement plant (manly men, of course) sitting around debating over which undies they wanted to wear for the day: Minnie or Dora?
I like to think I married a Dora man myself…just sayin’.[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]
4) His comebacks
My favorite quote this weekend comes from a submission by husband: “To be honest with you, not everything you say warrants a response.” Apparently he is not ignoring the words that are coming out of my mouth; he is just selective about what he responds to. Why have I not thought of this?
5) More of his comebacks
I wouldn’t quite say that I’m the Juliet to Kerry’s Romeo, but dang if we aren’t close (don’t think too hard on that reference because then it seems like a bad thing.) Oh, proof. You want proof? Fine. Tonight on our date, my hsuband said, well, wait… He gazed lovingly in the general area of my face (quickly because he was driving), and he said, “Ya know, I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, but with you sometimes I think ‘hey, I could give it a shot.'”
Show me one woman more romanced, and I will show you a liar! I nearly swooned reliving it just now.[/nextpage]