By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
1. What do you look for in a guy?
A) Money, cash, ca-ching ca-ching, and a royal title. I’m kind of a gold digger like that.
B) Preferably a hairy kidnapper with roid rage.
C) I’m into interspecies dating.
D) The only kind of man I want is a snowman.
2. What is your personal Disney style?
A) A blue sparkly dress, a headband, and one shoe.
B) I let a spooky, talking dresser select my clothes. She assures me I look darling as a glorified pineapple upside-down cake.
C) Sushi meets seashells. Bluefin meets bikini. Sharkweek on the bottom, Baywatch on the top.
D) I have an extensive glove wardrobe, but I also like to let loose with a trampy slit-dress when I’m building ice castles.
3. What is your relationship with your mother like?
A) My mother is dead.
B) My mother is dead.
C) My mother is dead.
D) My mother is dead.
4. What is your favorite TV show?
A) The Bachelor. There’s nothing I love more than seeing 25 girls clamoring for the same wealthy dufus, despite his lack of personality, intelligence, and charisma.
B) Murder, She Wrote. It is all about a writer/investigator/eccentric with a bad haircut and no friends. Also, the lead character has a great singing voice.
C) Antiques Roadshow. My buddy, Scuttle, says I have a shot at major riches if I audition with my dinglehopper collection.
D) Anything HGTV. I’m a sucker for a home renovation show. Did you know I remodeled a pile of icicles into an elaborate residence?
5. Some people assume Disney Princesses don’t fart. How do you respond?
A) Sing, Sweet Nightingale. (“Nightingale” is what I call my sphincter)
B) Whenever I enter a room, people hold their noses and say, “I think there’s something there that wasn’t there before.”
C) Let’s just say I took a road trip in a small carriage with Eric’s family after Taco Tuesday. Those poor unfortunate souls.
D) Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried. Then I melted a hole in the wall of my permafrost palace.
6. My friends back home describe me as…
A) Tall. Hardworking. Human.
B) The only friend I have is this stalker dude who won’t take no for an answer. He’s about to get Le Restraining Order, so I guess he would describe me as “hard to get.”
C) Flaky. I don’t show up when I say I will and I often ruin musical productions, subsequently bringing shame upon my whole family.
D) They’ll tell you I used to be fun, but I never hang out anymore. I’m just so busy blaming my 6-year-old self for my parents’ negligence and building fancy chateaus out of frozen H20.
7. How do you spend your free time?
A) Making clothes for mice. That’s normal, right?
B) I like to read, take long walks, and fall in love with my captor like a victim of Stockholm Syndrome.
C) I collect sea garbage.
D) Sitting forlornly in a room by myself while I shop for gloves online. That and ice castle renovation. Did I mention I have an ice castle?
Results…
Mostly ‘A’s:
You are Cinderella. You have been mentally abused by your Disney step-family to the point where you relate better with animals than you do humans. Subsequently, you’re going to marry for money just to get out of your current living situation.
Mostly ‘B’s:
You are Belle. You love books to the point of being pretentious. Yet no one knows why you fancy yourself such a literary snob, since your behavior proves you’re only reading romance novels (what with the idolizing your incarcerator, and then forgiving him for being a violent, angry sociopath.) You are the equivalent of a college freshman who considers himself a Jazz-Age expert because he read a Fitzgerald book that wasn’t The Great Gatsby.
Mostly ‘C’s:
You are Ariel. You may be adorably scatterbrained now, but your husband won’t think you are so cute when you’ve locked your keys in the car for the 400th time. And that lovely Disney voice of yours? Prince Eric is going to tire of it one day. Probably around the same time your seashell bra size goes from 34-C to 36-long due to breastfeeding.
Mostly ‘D’s:
You are Elsa. You are kind of judgy when it comes to your sister’s romantic relationships. And you know what they say, “people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” At least Anna is trying to put herself out there. You can’t marry a castle, Elsa.
A version of this quiz first appeared on Creepy Ginger Kid
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About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two small children, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.