By Rebecca Lang of BeckyRebecca.com
There’s a growing epidemic across the nation of women, particularly mothers, declaring that they have no more fucks to give — that they just can’t care about stuff like they used to. Take this quiz to discover whether you’re at risk for running out of fucks.
1. Your regular babysitter and your backup are sick. What do you do now?
A) Cancel your plans. You won’t have enough time to interview a replacement.
B) Send a mass text to all of your friends looking for recommendations.
C) Go with the first person you find on Care.com.
2. Your daughter wet the bed. What’s your next move?
A) Immediately help her change into dry pajamas, strip the bed and throw it in the wash.
B) Help her change and lay a towel over the wet spot.
C) Pretend to be asleep so your partner has to deal with it.
3. The PTA president desperately needs volunteers to plan the Fall Festival. What do you do?
A) Quickly volunteer. You’d hate to be in her position and have no one step up to help.
B) See if any of your friends are going to do it, and then think about volunteering.
C) Ignore the email. You got sucked into that shit last year and are not going down the same rabbit hole twice.
4. You went to the grocery store in your slippers. How do you feel?
A) You must have me confused with someone else. That would never happen.
B) Ugh. Not my finest moment, but it’ll be something to laugh about later.
C) Fine. Am I supposed to feel differently?
5. How many times a week does your family eat a home cooked meal?
A) 5 or more times per week. I like to meal prep on Sundays so that we’re ready for the busy week ahead.
B) 3 or 4 times per week. It’s getting tougher as the kids get older, but we do our best.
C) I should just go ahead and buy stock in Chick-fil-A.
6. You are late for school drop off and will probably be late for work, too, but you’re about to pass a Starbucks. What do you do?
A) I pass right by it. I made my coffee at home using my new French Press.
B) I get the kids to school and stop on my way to work.
C) I stop right away. Katrina the Barista will probably have my order waiting for me.
7. Your son tells his teacher that you let him eat candy for dinner every night. How do you follow up with the teacher?
A) Turn red in the face and explain that you call vegetables “candy” in a clever attempt to get your son to try them.
B) Laugh and explain that it was only once while you were on vacation.
C) Shrug and nod, “Sometimes.”
8. In the middle of Target, your daughter has a major meltdown. How do you diffuse the situation?
A) Smile nervously and try to make eye contact with all of the other customers so you can apologize for her behavior.
B) Take your kid to an out of the way corner of the store so she can calm down and then finish your errands.
C) Let her cry while you go about your business in the store. No one even dares to look at you.
Mostly ‘A’s: Congratulations! You have plenty of fucks left to give. To avoid unnecessary depletion, protect them like a Catholic nun would advise you to protect your virginity and tell yourself it’s OK to say, “No.”
Mostly ‘B’s: You’re running low. It’s time to start rationing your remaining fucks as carefully as you hoard your Weight Watchers points for wine and dessert at the next girls’ night.
Mostly ‘C’s: You’re all out. It’s amazing that you even took the time to complete this quiz. Replenish your fuck account with some “me time” and be careful to use them wisely.
About the Author
Rebecca Lang is a contributing writer for San Francisco Moms Blog and has been published on a variety of parenting sites. She writes about stay-at-home moms, preschool and the playground but swears she can talk about non-mom stuff in real life. Follow her at BeckyRebecca.com and on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.