New Evidence Suggests Jesus May Return as a Mother

By Kristine Laco of Mum Revised

In a startling turn, the Vatican is reconsidering their widely-held views. Their scholars have been poring over documents and testimony from mothers everywhere, as a reinterpretation of the Bible proves enlightening.

“We do not deny that maybe the Bible was misinterpreted,” Cardinal Pat whispered. Cardinal Pat has been leading the investigation into the Lamb of God’s true self.

“The Bible has always been interpreted by men, until this task force of inclusion came together. We just can’t believe what we have uncovered.” The Cardinal’s excitement was evident.

The most startling findings come from the teachings of the Miracles of Jesus themselves. We spoke to a group of mothers participating in the Catholic church’s initiative to bring the Bible into this century.

“We started reading the Bible at book club,” claimed Jennie. “After three glasses of wine we concluded that Jesus is more woman than all of us.” To this, the group clinked glasses. “We took our findings to Cardinal Pat, and he started this worldwide initiative.”

The now famous ‘What if God Was One of Us’ Book Club found Jesus’s teachings to mirror their lives more than that of their male partners. The conversation started at book club when they discussed that Jesus did not shower, having to wash others instead. And he was always too busy to want sex, which made the women giggle and nod their heads in unison.

Then they delved deeper, looking at the Miracles of Jesus from Cardinal Pat’s suggestion. They noted many of Jesus’s miracles were performed on the Sabbath (much like mothers on holiday or when the pantry is empty at dinner time). The Miracles helped them conclude that the Messiah was motherly based on the following:

He changed water into wine. Every mother in the group agreed this was their most wanted superpower, versus their male partners, who all wanted the ability to fly.

Jesus was born of a virgin. Even before birth, Jesus knew that his Daddy would be useless in his rearing and only be useful once he was an adult. Every kid knows to go to Mommy first.

Jesus willingly healed the sick. Only mothers seem to know what to do with a fever, let alone diagnose it with a simple touch. By count, Jesus healed six men for every woman he laid hands on. The group questioned if this might have been the beginning of the man cold.

Catching a large amount of fish is a miracle. The mothers laughed at this but identified. They are apparently the only ones in their homes who know how to source the groceries without a list, calling home, or ordering take-out instead.

Healing lepers. No man any of the women know would touch a leper.

Jesus calmed the storm. Jesus’s disciples awoke him when they were afraid of a storm. He calmed the storm so they could all sleep. That one just writes itself while your husband is sleeping in preparation for his ‘big day at work.’

Jesus heals everyone. Jesus didn’t tell anyone to suck it up or walk it off, as the partners of the women in the group do. He also never panicked when he saw bodily fluids, which were common complaints among the women.

Catching fish with a coin in the mouth. Ha. If you have teenagers, you know they want two things from their mother: food and money. Dad? They want money and the car.

Jesus walked on water, and when Peter went to join him, Jesus had to save him from drowning for not following Jesus’ instructions. “Seriously men, just listen to your mothers and you won’t drown,” the group said in unison. Did Jesus invent the eye roll?

Jesus dismissed his disciples to be alone before his next miracle. Just like toddlers, people who wanted something from Jesus kept following him around. “I don’t know why he went back down that hill after he’d had that peace and quiet,” Jennie commented, but all the women could relate.

He rose from the dead after leaving his shroud neatly stacked to tell people to leave him alone to sleep and just trust his words. Have you ever met a mother of young children? She rises from the dead every morning and still makes the bed and, if everybody listens to her, she will not have to scream.

Implications of Catholic teachings are possible from the insights of the group, but the Vatican is taking it slow.

Jennie from the Book Club added just before she called Uber, “If Jesus were born today, we would have accepted him with his dirty hair. We just would have shown him how to do a man bun first,” she concluded as her friends drank to that.

If Jesus had, in fact, behaved more like the male stereotype, Cardinal Pat imagines the world would be a much different place. “Would Jesus have even had disciples or preferred to just hang out on the couch with snacks?” questioned Cardinal Pat. “Would he have laid hands to heal any of the sick men, or preferred to lay hands on busty women?” He furthered with, “Would he have known how to perform any of those miracles if he was constantly looking for women to mount instead of mounting the cause of Christianity?”

In Acts 1:1-11 we learn, “This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.”

Or maybe we should be looking for a mother. Time will tell.


About the Author

Kristine Laco shares her stories at with a splash of sarcasm and a pinch of bitch. She lives in the Toronto area and is a stay-at-home mother of two kids aged 14 and 12 and a fur-baby. Her middle finger is her favorite. You can find more from her on Facebook and Twitter.