Mom Has to Be in Two Places at Once, Literally Splits in Half

By Patricia Grant

A North Bay woman made the ultimate sacrifice to meet the demands of her hectic schedule on Tuesday. She arrived at the PTA’s annual Teacher Appreciation Luncheon with a tray of brownies from the grocery store, and without the upper half of her body.

“When I saw that, I thought, ‘Wow,'”said a fellow PTA mom who declined to give her name. “Store-bought brownies? Come on. Some of us have slaved over this Luncheon for weeks. Doesn’t she give a shit about teachers?”

When asked to comment on the woman’s halved state, the PTA mom said, “Yeah, I’ve thought about doing that myself, especially during Birthday Party Season. Birthday Party Season is cray.”

At the same time, in a business park across town, the woman’s upper half attended a meeting with a client, so her boss Bryan could make his 11:30 tee time.

“Technically, I could have made it to the club on time—my Tesla has an HOV sticker—but I didn’t want to be rushed. It puts me off my golf game when I’m rushed, so I had her fill in for me,” explained Bryan.

When asked if he knew that his employee had another engagement at the same time, Bryan shrugged and said, “Sure, but we all have to make sacrifices, right?”

Later in the day, the woman’s body arrived at the emergency room via Uber. Her upper half was admitted first while her lower half was admitted approximately 45 minutes later. Medical staff did not immediately recognize that they were two halves of the same person.

“It was kind of comical, actually,” said an ER nurse. “Her upper half was in Room 201 and her lower half was in 208. It took us forever to put it together, so to speak. Of course, by the time we did, she was dead. Like, really dead.”

She is survived by her husband Josh and their two children, both of whom get out of school at 2:45 on campuses located on opposite sides of town, but that’s Josh’s problem now.


About the Author

Patricia Grant is an internet writer with strong, flexible shoulders. You can follow her on Medium or Twitter or both or neither.