In a stunning turn of events this past Tuesday, local mom Kristy McAllister completed a feat that most felt was completely impossible.
After putting her two-year-old back to bed for the fifteenth time in one evening and fulfilling numerous requests for snacks, water, books, and the secrets to the universe, McAllister did what many parents have done before her: She sat down on her son’s bed, telling him she would wait there until he fell asleep.
As a mother of two, this was not McAllister’s first rodeo, and she knew better than to lie all the way down on the bed.
When asked about the sitting technique, McAllister said, “It’s quite simple really. You have to calculate the predicted body movements it will take you to extract yourself from the bed without waking your kid, and multiply that by the squeak factor of the mattress. My mother always told me I’d need algebra again someday.”
This was not the only strategy McAllister employed in this Herculean effort.
Using hearing skills usually reserved for recognizing kids mumbling something rude under their breath, McAllister was able to determine the exact moment her son started sleeping. Then the counting began.
“Exactly 4.5 minutes from a deep sleep state is ideal,” McAllister said. “Get up any sooner and you’re starting from scratch for sure. Any longer and if you do wake the kid then you’re still back to square one and you’ve wasted too much Netflix time.”
Extracting herself from the bed was a matter of assuming a diver-like pike position to evenly distribute weight and decrease limb creaking. Then she turned the pike into a slide to the floor and an army crawl because, as we all know, toddler sleep vision is based on light and shadows.
“You have to move quickly but silently. Honestly, I’m just as shocked as you are that this worked. Usually, army crawl is my worst event.”
At the time of publication, McAllister was happily sipping a glass of Pinot Grigio, knowing full well her other kid would be awake again soon, but cherishing the moments.
About the Author
Becca Carnahan is a mom of two small humans, freelance writer, career coach, and storytelling enthusiast. Find her sharing stories about parenting and career development at With Love, Becca. You can also find her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter @with_love_becca.