By Kate Cartia of As Kate Would Have It
First, you’re welcome.
Because I’m about to streamline your Christmas shopping.
Few things are more butt-clenching stressful than buying for those we love.
Or are friends-with-benefits (no judgment, as long as stock options are included).
Or are wistfully staring at from afar (Again, no judgment. We’ll call that a “stalk option”).
This kind of gift shopping will cause you to drink your feelings.
And I’m all for generosity and kindness, but I think once we all agree that frantically scouring the mall for the last Open-Heart Pendant necklace like it holds all the secrets to the universe – and yes, I get it, St. Jane Seymour designed it or whatever, but stop it, it looks like a snake and we all know it – it’s time to get creative.
So, in Christmas Angel-like fashion, yours truly has pulled together a variable Santa’s bag full of goodies, hand-curated by the master of Festive Presents: me.
For: The Long Distance Relationship
Thoughtful Gift: Custom Face Pillow
Don’t get me started on how tough the LDR is. Many, if not most, of us can attest to that. You know how sometimes you just want to fall asleep clutching their severed head to your chest? Here you go.
For: So-Hipster-It’s-Painful Love Partner Person
Thoughtful Gift: Bicycle Can Cage
They’re quietly cool. They’re environmentally conscious. They’re likely credited with founding the city of Austin. That shit takes work. Make their commute to Whole Foods a little more comfortable with this.
For: Out to Prove She’s Wife Material Girl
Thoughtful Gift: Mason Jar Shot Glasses
Everything is shabby-chic, white-washed, antiqued, chalk-painted, and you-bet-your-ass repurposed from wooden pallets. Help her unwind from the stress of hand-painting Marilyn Monroe quotes on paper clips with these. Because nothing says “they’re cute so it’s fine!” like slamming back Buttery Nipples out of tiny mason jars.
For: Judgmental Mother-In-Law
Thoughtful Gift: Grandma’s Last Christmas
After fielding questions about your divorce, recent weight gain, and if you’re really getting another glass of wine, sit back and nod knowingly as she unwraps this little gem.
For: Overly-Passionate About Sriracha Dude Bro
Thoughtful Gift: Mini Sriracha2Go
They’re still seething over that time you casually said you sort of like Tabasco better. It was a tough seven months, but now it’s time for a peace offering. No way can you go wrong stuffing a minimally-secured bottle of bright red Asian pepper sauce into a laptop bag. Imagine the convenience!
For: Aspiring Actress Barista
Thoughtful Gift: Kitty Carpet Downstairs Toupee
Maybe she’s doing a 1920’s period piece. Maybe she gets elfin’ cold in those chorus girl skirts. Maybe you’re a cute Amish dude and she wants to make you more comfortable. Whatever the case may be, show her you’ve been paying attention with this reusable crotch wig.
It’s important to note that any or all of the above can be combined into a magical gift basket of holiday joy.
No matter what you choose, just remember that love can 100% be measured in material gifts.
About the Author
Kate Cartia lives in Dallas, TX with her son and dog. She’s a Work-at-Home Mom, is always the first to sign up to bring paper plates to school functions, and openly has no real idea how to do this parenting thing. She can be found on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.