By Audrey Hayworth of Sass Mouth

Today in Utopia, Somewhere, an Internet troll successfully tracked down a writer to bully and threaten her after he disagreed with her take on potty training her child.

When interviewed from his mother’s basement, the troll, 32-year-old Chester the Child Molester, refused to put on clothes, wearing only his tighty whities. He also refused to wash his cheese-flavored, chip-stained hands, saying, “It is my American right to keep my fingers cheese colored.”

He tracked down the writer, Suzy Q Mommy Blogger, after reading her blog post about her struggle to potty train her child before preschool started. He started out by commenting on her blog posts and grew increasingly agitated when she began to delete his comments.

“She shouldn’t get to delete my comments. She acts like she’s entitled to her own opinion since it’s her own website. Just because I don’t have kids doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m talking about. She needs to listen to me. I’m right. And if it takes me being an asshole for her to listen, then so be it.”

Once she began to delete his comments, she also banned him from her website. That just sent him to track her work down on other sites.

“My mom didn’t potty train me on time, and I’m totally normal. I live in her basement and read the Internet all day long. I’m a testament to being a free thinker.”

When asked for comment, Suzy Q Mommy Blogger tearfully replied, “He’s right. I shouldn’t be entitled to my own opinion. Even though I have kids and these trolls don’t. Clearly, they know more about parenting than I do, and I will seek their advice on parenting before making an opinion from now on for myself.”

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About the Author

Audrey Hayworth is a red-headed sass mouth who filters 90% of what she really wants to say. She is a chronic overdresser from the deep South, where SEC football and crawfish dictates their lives. She wrote this while waiting to board a ferry.