How My Sizzler Training Certificate Prepared Me for Public Office

By Jennifer Rosen Heinz of Thinking Mom

After it became public earlier this week that my degree from “Forbco Management School” was actually a management course from a California Sizzler franchise, my office has fielded lots of questions about why I chose to list it on my resume. Instead of speaking in front of the press, I’ve decided to educate the public on how my training uniquely qualifies me for my position in the Iowa State Senate, where I am known as an innovator and voice of reason.

Back in the good old days at Sizzler, we weren’t afraid to get a little blood on our hands. Can you imagine a steak without the blood? The same holds true for politicians today. That is why last year, I put forth a proposal to execute undocumented immigrants who try to re-enter the U.S. after deportation for having committed a felony. Look, at Sizzler, we understood that killing was what kept us in business. No one wants to eat a live cow!

Business sense makes sense, period. No matter whether you’re talking immigration or steaks. I’m not against getting a little dirty to get the job done.

It’s important for America to come first (and pay first) and that America get tougher on illegal immigration. Sort out the gristle, if you know what I mean. No republic survives without casualties. At Sizzler, those casualties made us a tidy profit, and no one ever cried while eating their 8oz, USDA-certified sirloin, served with garlic mashed potatoes and bottomless refills for only $10.99.

At Sizzler, many people respected us for our “pay first” concept, which offers unparalleled value for all consumers, no matter what their income range. Of course it’s fair to ask people to pay to play. No such thing as a free lunch! Which is why I am putting forth a bill that would require professors at all state universities to let the government know what political party they belong to. Universities and knowledge are well-known liberal bastions. It’s hard for conservatives to get a seat at the table. By mandating a kind of conservative affirmative action (we need that kind of protection as strong, robust conservatives who are not at all fragile), we make sure that we are equally in line to pay-to-play. First. America first.

Sizzler customers come from all different walks of life: the ones who prefer pieces of fine, hand cut steak, and people who are hungry for more. That second group, we call whiners. They come in hungry, and they expect that when they order the steak and unlimited shrimp combo because they have not eaten all week, it means they can have unlimited shrimp.

We were trained to size up the moochers when they walked in the door and forced them to sit the furthest from the salad bar and closest to the kitchen door. Gotta make people work for things. Some people need a hand up, not a hand out. That’s what decent politics are all about: personal accountability.

That’s what inspired me to write legislation allowing women who ended their pregnancies to sue their healthcare providers for emotional distress. Punishing abortion care providers for any reason just makes good sense. Also, shrimp are expensive and little fetuses are small. I rest my case.

I want my constituents to know that as their state senator (and former Sizzler manager), I am prepared to Make America Great Again. That’s why I wrote to the Secret Service and asked them to consider making President Trump’s secret code name “Shrimp Skewers.” Nothing could represent our president better than poking defenseless, soft shelled weaklings with a skinny stick.

I also was behind the marketing genius of changing the name of the Double Mega Bacon Burger to Double MAGA Bacon burger in all southern US franchises. This has resulted in a steep rise in popularity of the burger at those locations over the same time period last year. Soon, those same franchises will roll out free, bottomless Coal-a, taken from local streams. We are making the economy great again, one city at a time.

Obviously, my qualifications and life experience are even better than some expensive diploma from a four-year, accredited university where liberals control everyone’s thoughts and there’s an abortion factory set up in the back of every dormitory dining hall.

Sometimes you have to show people who’s boss, toss your followers some red meat. Especially if they’re following you because they’re running across the border. But then I suggest you throw the meat while it’s frozen; packs more of a punch upon impact.


About the Author

Jennifer Rosen Heinz lives in Madison, Wisconsin, where she eats squeaky cheese curds and works for a local women’s magazine. She is a recovering MFA and award-winning poet and blogger. Follow her on Facebook at Thinking Mom and Moms Against Hate.