By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
With three kids in our house, graduation season is in full swing.
My eldest daughter has been fitted for her tassled cap, and we couldn’t be prouder to see her get a diploma on that commencement stage tonight. We’ve walked a long and arduous road–including tutors, specialists, and private coaching–but she made it! She graduated preschool swim lessons!
Her younger sister has reached her own milestone, graduating from toddler anger management class. She’s upset that she must share a party with her sister, so she is in the midst of an epic tantrum right now.
The newborn just graduated from having an umbilical cord. I hope he takes his commemorative photos with his eyes closed because he still lacks ocular muscle coordination and is spooky and unsightly when he’s awake. Maybe I should cover his head with a certificate of completion diploma in the pictures.
Our dog graduated from a 12-step program for compulsive humping. The counselor told him to “be the change he wishes to see in the world,” so he has replaced sexual assault with dragging his anus on the ground while he motors along on his front legs. Needless to say, it has been difficult fitting him for a gown.
The cat graduated Weight Watchers and has asked that in lieu of a party we just stay the hell away from her. She made herself a “chocolate cake” behind our couch.
My husband just finished the entire Breaking Bad series, so I will be throwing him a meth-themed party to commemorate this accomplishment. As a couple, we’ve graduated from marijuana to hard drugs, so this will be a “graduation within a graduation” of sorts.
At the office, we’ve completed diversity training and are waiting to hear back from HR as to whether we may wear our Native American feather headdresses and kimonos in the class photo. I’m thinking yes.
Before the whirlwind of celebrations, I will spend some “me time” in the bathroom because I’ve got a dump ready to graduate from my bowels. I plan to fashion it with an adorable handmade toilet paper cap and gown from a Pinterest craft I found. I’ve also trained my sphincter to sing “Pomp and Circumstance” in the key of G. Having practiced in the office bathroom stalls, my coworkers have suggested I ease up on the vibrato, because the melody can get a little pitchy at times.
We’ll probably wrap up the weekend with an informal service to signify graduating from graduation season.
Related Post: Teen Not Spanked as a Child, Still Graduates High School
About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two toddlers, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.