By Sara Green of MOTHERfluff
Attention Moms and Moms to Be!
Are you tired of phone calls interrupting nap time? Evites to soirees? Leisurely shopping? Coffee dates? Don’t worry. There is a simple way to fix this. Just follow these methods and kiss your pesky social life good-bye!
1. Don’t tell friends you’re in labor (even though you promised you would). Instead, text them after you’ve given birth, captioning it with, “I did it!” To sweeten the deal, include a picture your newborn. It’s important to remind those friends that this day is about your baby and your swollen vagina and/or surgical incision, not them.
2. Bring your baby everywhere. Everywhere. Your friends want to catch up over lattes? Bring baby so you can show him off. Your gal-pals will have to accept that gossiping goes along with your infant clawing for a nipple. And they want to go shopping, too? Baby comes with! Sure, trying on clothes in the dressing room is a tiny bit more challenging with 27-point harness that carries your baby on your chest. But where you go, baby goes.
3. Let them know they are not priority #1. When they call in the afternoon, asking if you want to go out for drinks that evening, say no. Repeat this step several times. Reminding these clueless friends that you need more notice is just a waste of time.
4. In fact, just ignore phone calls and texts. The urgent text message, “What are you doing?” is nowhere as important as thirty minutes in dreamland. It can wait another two hours. Send those calls straight to voicemail and watch that number of messages increase like your laundry.
5. When they finally get you out, only talk about your kid. Explosive poops, spit up, three hours of sleep, laundry that never ends, clothes that don’t fit… These are great conversation topics. Make sure these friends know you’re a mother and only a mother. Refuse to hear about complaints about hangovers, messed up orders from Starbucks, or fights with co-workers.
6. Invest the bare minimum into the friendship. Switch those all night phone calls to texts. Cut out Netflix binge marathons. Replace hand-made birthday presents with gift cards. Mothers don’t need to send the wrong message to their friends by spending too much time with them.
7. Allow your kid to get sick. High fever, vomiting, clinginess, runny nose, coughing… These are Mom’s favorite “Get out of Girl’s Night” tickets. To ensure sickness, let your kid rub their hands all over the toilet at your local supermarket.
8. Flood your social media with pictures of your kids. Bombard those suckers with sport pictures, school pictures, birthday pictures, cute outfits, and silly faces. Remember, it’s vital that friends never forget their new place in your life.
By completing these eight steps, you will no longer suffer through gossip, fancy dinners, shopping sprees, and freshly cleaned clothes. These friends should understand that no mother desires such nonsense. We only care for our child. It is all about our child. We don’t need free time, reasons to put make-up on, undisturbed bathroom breaks, finishing a complete meal, or distractions that take away from our life as a mom.
About Sara Green
Sara Green is the mom who isn’t afraid to admit that her boys are annoying, gross, loud, and drive her to pour a bit more wine in her cup. Her house is often untidy, cluttered with toys and games, beds go unmade and floors are overdue for a cleaning. Sara tackles parenting with humor, confidence and pragmatic realism. In creating MOTHERfluff, the process became a source of coping and comfort in battling post-partum depression after the birth of her youngest son and continued to be even more so while recovering from an accident that left her bedridden for several months. Her therapy is sharing witty and off-beat stories that are realist portrayals of life as mom. Follow Sara on Facebook and Twitter.