By Abby Byrd of Little Miss Perfect
God’s Press Secretary announced yesterday what people have long feared—Michelle Duggar, Arkansas mother of 19, is a genetic monstrosity.
Duggar is the result of a whimsical experiment wherein God and his Creation Team spliced rabbit DNA into human DNA to potentially increase human reproduction.
“The first women we tried didn’t work very well,” reports the Archangel Gabriel, Head of Creation. “They just had big ears and buck teeth. The second batch had puffball tails and an insatiable sex drive, but were excessively twitchy and ate their weight in carrots every day.”
The Creation Team thought they’d achieved the perfect blend with Duggar. Born completely human in appearance, upon sexual maturity, she was found to be exceptionally fertile. She also possessed a pleasant docility, a vacuous stare and a seemingly endless capacity for indoctrination.
“At first, we were really pleased with the results,” says Gabriel, “but after she started homeschooling the offspring, we realized our experiment had gone awry.”
By then, Gabriel says, the damage couldn’t be reversed. To date, the experiment has resulted in twenty-two Independent Baptists, an embarrassing reality show, and a decline in the collective IQ of the viewing public. God’s Press Secretary has issued a formal apology for these abominations.
God himself refused to speak to reporters, but a source quoted him as grumbling, “What number are we on? Eighteen? Twenty? All the donations this family received, and none of them were birth control pills?”
Duggar could not be reached for comment because a tiny Baptist was falling out of her vagina.
About the Author
Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy/Club Mid, In The Powder Room, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, The Good Men Project, The Reject Pile, and The Big Jewel, as well as in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.