By Heidi Hamm
Dear Ella and Alexander,
It is likely that you have already received congratulations on your birth from a number of different groups—humanitarian, human rights, political activists, Hollywood celebrities, and the entire Twitterverse. But we represent none of these. We are an elite group based strictly on the fact that we, like you, each had to share a uterus.
So as members of the Multiples Club, let us first start by saying, “Welcome!” There is no initiation. No membership fee. No references required. You are automatically one of us and as such, are privy to our ways.
We hear that you are already causing a bit of commotion. According to People Magazine, your parents released the following statement: “This morning Amal and George welcomed Ella and Alexander Clooney into their lives. Ella, Alexander and Amal are all healthy, happy and doing fine. George is sedated and should recover in a few days.”
Excellent. Clearly you have inherited your mother’s intelligence. Keep up the great work! If you continue down this path, your dad’s recovery will likely be years in the making.
Should you need a few pointers, however, check out our manual: The Twins’ Guide To Parents (and how we can rule their world). In it you will find the following tips and much more:
It’s true that twins often have opposite personalities. But don’t let on too quickly which one of you is the patient, quietly chill one. Just when your parents think they have you figured out and are feeling somewhat smug about it, switch things up.
If Twin B is the one most likely to scream bloody murder when hunger strikes, Twin A, get in the game. Exercise your lungs every now and then. Use the element of surprise to your advantage. Don’t let your parents become complacent. Complacency breeds laziness. And lazy parents are of no use to you.
It’s important to work as a team:
We know, there will be moments when you won’t want to. Moments when you secretly wish that you were an only child. But these are fleeting. And they weaken your power. You are stronger together. Always. “Wonder twin powers activate!” If you don’t know what this means, check out Super Friends. While it’s not required viewing, it is recommended.
Resist being scheduled:
You’re twins. Your parents will want to put you on a schedule because, for whatever reason, adults like to sleep for long stretches of time. Weird, we know. Who doesn’t want to eat every couple of hours? It’s so much better for the metabolism. Apparently adults, that’s who.
So they will try. They will feed you at the same time. Put you down for naps at the same time. Bathe you at the same time. But if you want to maximize individual cuddle time, don’t give in.
This means you will have to agree on whose turn it is to be starving and whose turn it is to refuse to eat. Who is tired and who is ready to party like it’s 1999. Who is going to blow out their diaper on non-bath day. Trust us, the more sleep deprived your parents are, the more likely they will be to cave in to your demands. Sleep deprivation is a proven torture technique and will render them too weak to resist you.
Beware of matching outfits:
We know what you’re thinking. This doesn’t apply to us; we’re not identical. We’re not even the same gender. It doesn’t matter. Adults are crazy. They think it’s cute. They’ll buy you onesies saying, “Thing 1 and Thing 2” or “1 of 2” or “iPoo and iPuke.” We wish we were kidding. But you know we’re not.
It’s already happened. According to People Magazine, Cindy Crawford and her husband Rande Gerber already gave your parents onesies with “Casa and Migos” on them. You’re probably wearing them right now. Surefire solution to this predicament? A well-timed blowout. One of you needs to take one for the team. Right before you are about to leave the house. When there are only seconds available to change one of you. (Spitting up works, too, although it only has a 62% success rate.)
While out and about, be certain you are both highly visible.
This will ensure that each and every stranger you come into contact with will stop your parents and inevitably ask, “Oh, are they twins?” Said strangers will then shower you with love and adoration. (Given who your parents are, this may already happen regardless of the whole twin thing.)
Remember, no matter what your parents try to tell you, you are in control. Stay strong. Stay united. Go Twins!
About the Author
Heidi Hamm is a writer, wife and mom of 6-year-old twin boys with the alter egos of the Hulk and Spiderman and their 8-year-old sister, who is in training to rule a small (or large) country someday. She has been published on Sammiches and Psych Meds, Scary Mommy and Mamalode. You can also find her on Facebook.