by Topher Paul
It’s been a wild ride though this 2020 campaign cycle. Everything was going as expected, with the democrats putting up an array of nominees as vibrant as the underwear your grandpa sits around in while watching reruns of All in the Family. One by one they dropped out, leaving only Joe Biden who is basically 8-bit Wonder Bread. Just when it seemed like Donald Trump would have a machete-cleared path to 4 more years, Covid-19 struck and made things much more complicated.
As it turns out, our greatest adversaries can become our strongest allies. Over the weekend, a surprising force pledged support for Donald Trump in the 2020 election. That’s right, it was none other than Covid, himself.
After seeing how easy it was for Kanye to influence people’s thoughts about the election, Covid took to Twitter to announce his endorsement.
On Sunday, I formally endorsed @realDonaldTrump for the upcoming election. Explanation to follow:
— Covid4Trump2020 (@Covid4T) July 21, 2020
Unfortunately, after only 1 tweet, his account was locked “for suspicious activity.” Was that activity supporting Donald Trump? Or was it because Twitter thought maybe it was a bot? The jury is out on that one, but thankfully we were able to contact Covid directly to get some answers.
Covid started by pointing out that never in the history of American politics has a virus chosen sides. In fact, up until about a week ago, he was apolitical and did not intend on voting in the upcoming election. He went on to say, “I believed it didn’t matter who wins the election, because I’m coming after all of them. But after Trump tried to get rid of Fauci, I was like, ‘That’s my dude!’ You know what they say about the enemy of my enemy.”
It turns out there was a lot more that earned the affection of Covid. “Look, smart people are going to try to prevent me from spreading. Sure, they can wear masks, and stand 6 feet apart and all that, but it is impossible to eliminate all contact 100% of the time.” And that’s exactly how he has been able to find so much success. By using people who don’t take precautions, Covid is able to infiltrate virtually every walk of life.
Probably the most impressive thing about Covid is how humble he is. Where some people like to boast of their achievements, Covid likes it in the shade. “Some people may be like, ‘Trump is trying to downplay how strong you are’, and I’m like, ‘Bitch, please, my actions speak for themselves.”’ In fact, Donald Trump’s dismissive attitude towards Covid is exactly the reason he likes him for president. It doesn’t take a doctor of infectious diseases to know that if we pretend like Covid doesn’t exist, then he’ll just go away quietly into the night.
With Covid’s endorsement secured, it appears as if Donald Trump will soon become the favorite in this November’s election. If I were to bet, I’d wager we’ll see a lot more of Covid as we navigate through the rest of this year. “This November, I hope you all decide to keep this guy in office and allow me the time I need to ‘do my thang’. Aside from all the kids getting back into schools together, I am most excited about this election.”
About the Author
Full disclosure, Topher Paul is ashamed at the amount of time he spent making the fake Twitter account for this piece. Additionally, he now has another fake Gmail account with “trump2020” in the name, so that’s worthless. He’s going to forget about all of this by making a Pina Colada, and his only regret is that he couldn’t get the accent over the “n” in “pina.” Oh well.