By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars
A ragtag group of protesters in the town of Sumallmind, IN, has spent the last week marching outside of a local preschool in an attempt to get Curious George books banned from the establishment.
The protesters claim that the popular, beloved monkey is “a terrible influence and an obvious ploy by the political left to push the homosexual agenda on today’s impressionable youth.”
“Look, we all know the term ‘curious’ is just a euphemism for ‘gay,’” stated Doyle Richardson, the 52-year-old man responsible for organizing the protest. “These kids are being brainwashed by an ostensibly innocuous monkey with a hidden motive. Today’s youth is tomorrow’s future, and that future is being subliminally exposed to an unnatural lifestyle. This could have detrimental effects on children’s social and emotional development.”
“Yeah,” chimed in a fellow protester from the bed of his Ford-150, parked just beyond the fence of the school playground. “And I don’t like the way that monkey hangs all over the guy in the yellow hat. Or how he’s always shoving bananas in his mouth. It’s f*cking sick.”
“Honestly, what self-respecting manly-man dresses in bright yellow like that?” added Richardson. “And the shape of that hat. It’s clearly a phallic symbol. I can’t believe no one has tried to get these books banned before now.”
Sarah Balton, director at Rainbow Smiles Preschool—where the protest is taking place—had this to say on the matter:
“We have never in the history of Rainbow Smiles had a parent express concern over Curious George being read in our school. George is a beloved fictional character and has been a staple at our establishment since its inception over 50 years ago. We fully support our teachers’ decision to continue including the Curious George series in our curriculum.
“Furthermore, who in God’s name are these people? No, like really. Who are they? Their kids don’t even go here.”
Balton said that the protests are not only “absopositvely friggin’ ridiculous,” but that they’ve also been highly disruptive to the children who attend the school. Balton told us that some students have even become unwitting participants in “these absurd shenanigans.”
“The kids were out on the monkey bars, of all places,” she told us. “And the protesters were shouting ‘No more monkeys!’ Well, you shout that at a four-year-old, and you’re bound to get a response. They thought it was a game, so they started yelling ‘jumping on the bed’ right back. These kids don’t understand what’s going on. The whole thing has been a total nightmare.”
As of press time, Richardson and his squad of George-haters had no immediate plans to stop the protests.
“It’s a free country,” he said. “We’re gonna keep on going until that sacrilegious bullshit is banned. And unlike that fruitcake primate, we’re not monkeying around.”
About the Author
Samantha Wassel is a sarcastic and slightly unhinged SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettlebelling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.