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Celery Juice Lands Woman in Vegetative State

By Samantha Wassel of Between the Monkey Bars

It turns out the popular health trend of downing large amounts of celery juice has some dangerous side effects.

Like inadvertent self-lobotomization.

Sally Reeter, age 26, of Grand Crapids, MI, is in a coma after ingesting “an indeterminate amount of liquified celery.”

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“It was supposed to be cleansing,” said Sally’s mother, Wanda Reed, as she sat with reporters in the Grand Crapids Regional Medical Center (GCRMC) lobby, sipping a green smoothie. “Sally was so excited to take charge of her health. She’d been texting me about it for weeks, how she was going to boost her metabolism, heal her gut, and be ‘one a dem skinny bitches everyone loves to hate.’

“I’m still in shock. The Medical Medium never mentioned brain loss as a potential side effect. I guess it’s like they say, you know? ‘Too much of a good thing’ or whatever.”

Mrs. Reeter said she went to her daughter’s house early Monday morning after receiving a cryptic text including “a poop emoji, a green heart, a frowny face, and a bunch of random letters.”

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“I thought maybe she was drunk,” she told us. “That she’d started Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations early or something. I tried texting her back and then calling her, but she never responded. Naturally, I became concerned, so I headed straight to her house.”

Mrs. Reeter arrived at her daughter’s home to find the front door locked, the curtains drawn, and the outside recycling bin overflowing with empty Poo-Pourri bottles. After using the hide-a-key to enter the household, she was greeted by “a putrid and overwhelming odor.” She followed the stench to the downstairs bathroom, where she found Sally slumped next to the toilet, pantsless and unresponsive.

“There was this foul green liquid spattered everywhere,” she recounted. “It looked like a leprechaun bloodbath. I tried rousing Sally, but she wouldn’t wake up, so I immediately called 911.”

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Emergency responders arrived shortly after and were baffled by the scene that greeted them.

“At first I thought maybe she’d hit her head on the toilet and knocked herself unconscious,” an EMT told us. “But there were no signs of external trauma to the head. Then I saw the juicer and thought maybe the circuit in her kitchen got overloaded, and she’d plugged the thing into a bathroom outlet and somehow electrocuted herself. Maybe the thing exploded, you know? Sprayed celery juice everywhere. That would explain the green stuff all over the walls.

“But it turns out all that green shit came out of her ass.”

And—according to the doctors at GCRMC—her head.

“She literally shit her brains out,” said Dr. Diane Rhea, a neurologist who specializes in neuro-anal synaptic medicine at GCRMC. “There’s nothing left in there. The Sally her mother knew is gone.”

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Now, as Sally’s healthcare proxy, Mrs. Reeter faces a heartbreaking decision: whether to pull the plug. And we’re not talking about the one on her daughter’s juicer.

“No mother should be put in this situation,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye as she reached out to stroke her comatose daughter’s cheek.

“At least her skin is glowing.”


About the Author

Samantha Wassel is an Army Wife and SAHM to three energetic boys and three lazy AF cats. She enjoys running, writing, kettle-belling, reading, nerding out, and eating exorbitant amounts of goat cheese and Peanut Butter Halo Top ice cream (but not together, because barf). You can find more of her work at Between the Monkey Bars.