By Elizabeth Argyropoulos of Bourgeois Alien
Dear Republican Party,
It has come to my attention that you have been spreading misleading and malicious misinformation regarding my teachings and general philosophy on how to lead a compassionate life. I mean, seriously, what the fuck?
I demand that you cease and desist these statements and defamation of my character immediately. Look, I didn’t rise from the dead to save humanity for this shit, I’m telling you that right now. And please never refer to me again as “Republican Jesus,” as no such entity exits.
Actually, when I do visit earth, I spend my days on a lovely commune that supplies the farm-to-table movement in Eugene, Oregon. If anything, I’m more of a “Socialist Jesus,” but even that is a bit of a misunderstanding of who I am.
Humans simply haven’t evolved their primitive language skills enough to fully grasp the deeper meaning of my soul. The closest thing on earth to describe what my teachings mean is the sound of a dolphin’s orgasm.
This week, while taking the form of a burning bush, I’ve spoken to several earth lawyers and I’m told I have a pretty solid case here. How can Republicans not know that I, Jesus Christ, wouldn’t support taking away food from seniors and children to increase military spending?
Dude, have you even read what I said? Since you’re obviously so confused, I’ve compiled a few of your most recent defamatory statements as examples of what distorting my words looks like, and will be grounds for a lawsuit:
Roger Marshall, a Republican from Kansas, tried justifying throwing 24 million people off health care by quoting me as saying, “Just like Jesus said, the poor will always be with us.” He then ended that epic fart of a statement with, “The poor just don’t want health care.” Roger, shut the fuck up and stop saying my name. You clearly know nothing of my work.
Paul Ryan said, “Poor people need Jesus, not food stamps.” Hi, I’m Jesus. Remember me? I said give everything you have to help the poor. I said the poor shall inherit the earth. Please stop talking forever, Paul. And never, ever release another picture of you on a weight bench again. Nobody wants to see you in a gym. Gross.
And finally, the king of American greed run amok, Donald Trump, said, “Jesus, to me, is somebody I can think about for security and confidence. I will be asking for forgiveness, but hopefully I won’t have to be asking for too much forgiveness.”
I have to admit, the first time I read that I laughed so hard I nearly pissed my Jesus robe. I asked my Dad, and he said the only thing Trump ever prays for is larger hands and what Trump calls, “A normal adult human male sized penis.”
Listen, Trump, you want to cut funding for Meals on Wheels…MEALS. ON. WHEELS. Donald, shut the fuck up. One more word and I swear I’ll smite you right now. Don’t test me.
And really, let’s be clear, Republicans: your party has been a hate-filled greed circus for a long time. You’ve used my name to support your draconian policies towards the poor for decades. GOP, if you want to be selfish human garbage, own that mess, just stop being cowards and hiding behind my name. This is your last warning, schmucks.
If, however, you do continue using my name, I will seek legal recourse and sue for damages against me: Jesus “Not Taking Any More Shit” Christ. And yeah, sure, I’ll also cast your soul into hell for all eternity to be tortured by Satan, but while you’re still here on earth, I’ll take all your cold hard cash as compensation.
I know how much you Republicans love you some dirty-ass earth money. Thank God we don’t use money in heaven. I’m not kidding. Seriously, thank my Dad, jerks.
Please respond within seven days to acknowledge that you have received this letter and that you have complied with my demands.
Lord and Savior
Heaven (East Village)
A version of this post was originally published on Bourgeois Alien
About the Author
Elizabeth Argyropoulos, also known as, “Bourgeois Alien” on Twitter and on her website by the same name, has always thought of herself as funny…but not funny, “ha ha” more of a, “ha ha, wow…that’s sad” kind of way. She has a degree in English Lit and studied improv at Second City in Chicago. While living in Chicago, she met, married, and moved to Greece for a almost a decade with her perfectly loud Greek husband. While in Greece, together they produced an even louder Greek-American son. They now all live in happily Florida, where they all fear they’ll be eaten by gators or man-size mosquitoes.